Trust

  That lazy Saturday night, after an hour of weights, cardio and crunches, I was enjoying basking in the afterglow of the influx of endorphins. I lounged and entertained myself with news; both trivial (like The sequel to the Chronicles of Narnia being pushed back till Summer of 2008) and scientific (like women being addicted to substances at a faster rate than men). I got a thought, let’s visit the personal website and check on the last time Daddy Long-legs logged into his account. I stumbled onto DLL’s account by accident one day, through a link via a mutual friend’s account. And I bookmarked his account ever since, by doing so, it told everyone who was interested the last time the account holder logged on, the last time he edited his account and the number of buddies he has and the people he found hot; without the account holder actually knowing.

   I went through the usual logged in routine and there was his account, in front of me. And staring right back at me was the latest member to his ‘attractive’ list. I knew that was added only recently. The first thing that came to my mind was the gaggle of activity that he could be involved in behind my back. And if he was, I wanted to know. Only so because I see no point in being in a union meant for 2 with a 3rd party. I derive joy from sharing; from the communal act of sharing my food to the loaning of items in my wardrobe to the occasional joint. But what I refuse to share is the dick I suck and fuck aka my boyfriend’s dick. I have never believed in open relationships. I see no point. It’s already tough enough to find someone you want to share a chunk of your life with; someone you think you can be simple and happy with, someone you think you can grow and mature with. So is causal sex that important to ruin something that back-breaking to find? I see it very simply: If a man wants to fuck around, it’s his call and if he’s a good fuck, I’m in. But it stays a fuck and a friendship with benefits and nothing else. That way, the right amount and the right breed of emotions can be harvested and there will not be any expectations; except save in the bedroom. And I know what I want and at the end of the day, I want someone I can be healthy and stimulated with; someone I can wake up with in the morning. Just one.

   The internet is one of the greatest inventions, or discoveries, however you wish to term it. It has become a part of everyday living. An integral part of everday happenings. From the stock market, to online newspapers, to porn, to virtual stores, to letters from loved ones, to (coming back to the issue) dating forums and personals. There are millions of possibilties with this free space, this free access of information. Given how many ways there are avaliable for people to satiate their needs and wants via this space, what will stop anyone from doing so? I wonder, it is a stated and agreed upon shared point that two people in a realationship make; to stay commited and faithful to one another. So do the same boundaries exist with the internet and the array of personals websites avaliable via a click of a button?

So what does it mean then when DLL adds individuals to his ‘favourites’ list? There are 2 possibilites: 1. There is something going on that is beyond my control and without my knowledge. Something that involves the exchange of sexual favours. 2. The internet being a free space and all would make it sort of like a big town bookstore or a supermarket chain or a bar that you might walk into one night. Except that all exists in a different form. So adding someone to your ‘attractive’ list online could equate to saying that the guy you passed on the street is hot. Nothing more. Like a general comment expressed through a different medium.

   So what exactly was DLL’s intention when he added his new ‘friend’ to his list? Could it be just simply because he thought the guy was hot? Afterall, I make comments like that pretty often when I see an attractive guy. It doesn’t mean I want to sleep with him or have anything to do with him. It’s just that he’s physically pleasing, and there will always be individuals we find pleasing to the eyes. That’s just being human. But that being said, this could be a situation where bodily fluids have been exchanged. How would I know then? More importantly, how can I be ever sure that I am right?

   I decided the only thing that I could do that would satisfy my curiousity is to just ask him. And so that was just what I did. I needed to subtly hint and to come up for a reason to pose such a question through. It was a 50-50 gamble. I could be right and I could be wrong. A big part of me wanted to be wrong. But I have always found satisfaction in the truth, whatever it might be. Sure, it might smart but the sooner I go through that, the sooner I see things for what they really are and the quicker I move on.

   Sitting on his tighs, I straddled him with my legs and flicked my tongue on the outer creases of his ears and his neck and as he squeezed me tighter and moved his lips and parted mine, I pushed him down and he grinned that grin, that grin that said he knew what was coming. I sat on top of him, pressed against his hard on, and I said, ‘I was looking at webcams the other day at the store and a thought crossed my mind, would jacking off to someone via a webcam with someone else if you were in a relationship be considered cheating?’

   “I don’t know’ was his reply.

   “Would you be disturbed if you stumbled upon your partner doing so?” I asked, half annoyed at his answer.

   “Yes I would be bothered. And I would bring it up because if that ever happens, I would want to know what’s going on.” he said, stroking my thighs.

    “So, say, you found your boyfriend recently added a guy to his favourites list. What would your first reaction be?” I inquired on, looking curiously and secretly glad that I had slipped the question in.

    “It wouldn’t matter to me. That doesn’t say much, that just’s like saying someone like an actor is cute. It’s just a remark.” he shrugged, the tone of nonchalence in his voice made clear.

   I took a moment to think and perhaps that was just all there is to that. Maybe it wasn’t so important proving to myself that my doubts were accurate. What’s more important I realised was that I pumped in more to the building of mutual trust and the groundworks of my relationship with him. That whatever it was, if a guy wanted to cheat, he would anyway. And that it was a waste of my energy worrying about that. That doing so, would distract me from the point I entered a relationship with him. Because I want to be with him and share what I call mine with him. And that would mean trusting him and letting go a little. Because if sparks were to fly elsewhere, they would and only time will tell. And I’ll deal with it right there and then. But for now, I needed to enjoy this relationship. And that’s what I will do.

   I took off the cloth covering his manhood and rubbed myself against him, hearing him moan. He pushed me back and spreaded my legs, his fingers slowly parting me. I laid back and closed my eyes, fully aware of the first thing I shall enjoy now.