Price

It’s been said that money makes the world go around. There is no doubt the attraction that wealth and success adds to one’s dating profile. That and having a tight, toned body and a face pleasing to 80% of the general population. I’m not referring to personality yet and the various individual idiosyncrasies that might prove endearing once you get to know someone. I’m talking about the basic instinctual force that acts as a magnet drawing available men to the feasting table. It is the twinkle in the eye, the perfect skin tone, the hard abs subtly hidden under a pima cotton Armani tee, the extra large size of a bank account. The type of traits lined on the facade that is in view for all to see.

   I met a good friend for lunch and afternoon drinks the other day. Ryan Toddes is a charming, witty, amusing Corporate Affairs Director for a multi-national oil company. He is 44 with a great career, an even greater checking account and enough sweetness to always make you feel good about yourself when you’re with him. We got into a conversation about his love life over a couple of lychee martinis and fillet mignon sandwiches. He expressed with a little hint of forlornness in his voice how long it’s been since he last had someone to spent weekends with under the covers and simple moments of sharing Ben & Jerry’s while watching movies.

  “I know what guys see me when they look at me; someone short and someone who’s 44 but looks 54. But with the financial capability to provide them a very good life.” He said, matter of factly.

  It struck me then. Ryan is a good man who just wants to give love and be loved in return. But because of his physical stature and position in society, he has to go the extra mile and sift through men who only wanted to be with him because of his monetary wealth. It seemed very unfair to have to trade success in for love. To have to apologise for being great at what you do.

  I wondered, in a relationship where the currency used is one’s feelings and emotions, how do you fairly combine financial wealth with emotional wealth? And if it’s possible to do so, what is the price of love?

  When two individuals are in a long term relationship, it is only in time that a financial routine is established. Who gets the tab when dining out, who pays the rent, who pay for daily, living expenses. And when there is a gap in the ages of the two people in the relationship, there would inevitably be a non-purposeful disparity in earning power and the ability to contribute monetary-wise to the relationship. How much contribution is too much before money starts being the glue that holds the relationship together?

   Daddy Long-legs said something a week ago that made me question how much I pool into my relationship with him.

   “It’s commendable how much you do at your age for yourself, and what you have achieved. It was clear to me from the first few moments upon knowing you that you are someone independent and I try not to give so much because I don’t want you to have the feeling that I am trying to stifle your independence.” He said, as he stroked my hair back.

   What DLL said sounded logical yet foreign to me. Sure, I’m independent and I work very hard on top of school to make my own money and I look towards myself for things that I want. But I won’t say NO to more. No one ever says no to more. Especially when your boyfriend wants to take care of you. Everyone wants more. We all subject ourselves to this notion of having more. Be it more care, more love, more affection, more experiences, and more holidays for two. That’s why we go into relationships in the first place. Because we want more than what we can emotionally, physically, materialistically provide for ourselves.

  However, it was what DLL said after that might explain his reticence to give more earlier in our relationship.

  “When Jason and I were together, I was warned by my closest friends that he might be taking me for a ride. I bought him things when he wanted them and he had a supplementary card from me.” He said, as I laid on top of him, pondering on the state of our financial agreement.

   It was not DLL’s financial power that attracted me to him. I didn’t even know how much or how little he has when I first met him. And in the course of my relationship with him, even after knowing he has the ability to live very comfortably and still have plenty more for me, I have not asked him for anything. And I don’t see myself bringing him to Dolce & Gabbana and asking for a blazer. That all being said, I do find comfort in financial stability. It has been the umbrella of choice for rainy days for most individuals for centuries. And I am no different.

   But it is a gross foul on the part of any man that I am with to assume and place the weight on my shoulder that I would ride him the same way his ex-boyfriends did. I do deserve much more credit. I have done nothing to even suggest to DLL that I am in a relationship with him because I want to increase my yearly time spent in Europe and my checking account. I have invested greatly in my relationship with him. Sure, I can’t beat him when it comes to the size of his financial investment in our relationship but that doesn’t mean that I’m not giving my all or trying my best. I have made a lot of sacrifices; sacrifices that I didn’t necessarily have to make for anyone. I’m not wrong to want to be taken care of; that’s one of the reasons why I fancy older men. But there is a difference between wanting to be taken care of and using someone for personal gains. I know I fall into the former category.

   It is also said that money further complicates a relationship. But perhaps, it is possible that what one can’t give to a relationship, one makes up in other ways. And it is up to the two individuals in a relationship to decide for themselves what works best for the better good of their union. The individual who can fork up cash up front might be the primary financial provider in the relationship and there are many other paths on which the lesser financial contributor can show love and concern for other. I guess the price tag of what exists between two people in a relationship is determined by the very two consumers that are involved. All the compromises and sacrifices made to allocate room in your life for another person, maybe that’s the price of love. 

 As I think about it, for every summer vacation to the Bahamas I can’t pay for right now and every month’s service apartment rent tab that I can’t pick up, there will be the lychee martinis and fillet mignon sandwiches that I can afford to treat a good friend. And that is something I can always feel good about.