Sake Of It

Music: Digital Ghost – Tori Amos

I’m at a stagnant, feet-dragging point on this long, long path right now. I struggle with the inability to dig up a deeper meaning to this life and yet, I yearn to rediscover the old drive I used to have. This lack of motivation and purpose consumes me an hour after I get up everyday. There’s nothing to live for and even if there was, everything is ephemeral in its entirety.

So what’s the point? I wonder and I wonder if I can ever get out of this quagmire of unanswered questions because I’ve had enough of going through everyday just for the sake of it.  

Something needs to change; sometimes that’s all you need to go on.

I And

Music: Super Massive Black Hole – Muse 

 I’ve been breeding so much negativity these days that it’s hard to know the difference. I have a problem with everything. From the way I look, to my thick puffy head of hair, to the weather, to the people I live with, to the people I work with, to the immigrants I seem to see everywhere I go, to their accents and the way words spew from their mouths, to the person I am and the individual I drag out of bed every morning. I’ve started to question the value of things that I used to hold so dear. Now everything pales in comparison to just the chance of going back to college and completing my education. This is what my life is on the line for; I need to pass this one module. I’m terribly afraid of what the outcome might be. Fearful of the letter that will spell out the next step in my life. I have to believe that I will pass and make it but there are always doubts. I’m frightened of the alternative because I don’t know if it will be worth continuing this life for.

 I’ve never expected myself to be at this juncture. I’ve always mocked the ones who end their lives; the ones who throw the future out because of a stalwart in their present. I now understand why they did what they did. They didn’t have anything else to live for. Everything amounts to nothing the moment you die; it might as well be now. I’m freaking out at the thought of not making through this because I don’t know just what I would do. I know the helplessness will devour me and I will implode from the thought of how the future might be. I know I don’t have the balls to kill myself and I’m tired of dragging myself around day after day. I’m swinging on this pendulum; back and forth between this rock and this hard place. I’m on an airplane and I secretly wish that it would crash and my death would be instant. Then I take that back because the other passengers still have lives they want to live and a plane crash with just me dying wouldn’t be too realistic. If I did leave this world pre-maturely, I want to leave this world without anyone else getting hurt. Going in my sleep would be the best thing. I go to bed most night these days and I think about not having to worry about waking up.

 I see the person I am becoming now and it tears me up. I have become so anti-social that I wouldn’t speak to anyone unless I really needed to. I don’t want to know anyone new unless they would be the one I would spent a huge chunk of my life with; which of course, is never the case. I dread going through the cycle of living. I smile to mask the thought of killing myself. I don’t get excited by anything. I share my life with apathy and nothing matters anymore. I still think about the future though. I think about how I need to get my hair cut before Saturday’s pool party, I think about spending my life with someone my heart beat faster for, I think about the clothes to give away to make room for the new ones I will acquire, I go to the gym at least 5 times a week so I can look better in those new clothes, I think about the conversations I will have with my closest friends and family, I think about the life I want right now in LA. I think of these and then when I catch myself indulging, I stop and I pray. I pray to just pass this one module. Because I don’t know how to go on or why I should go on if I don’t.

 I wonder just how innately this unwillingness to live has seeped. I wonder how one’s every accomplishment could possibly mean anything at the time of death. I wonder about how grossly unfair it is that no one gets the chance to say no to having a life but when you have one; you’re supposed to live it the best you can, they always say. Screw that cliché adage, 80% of the people who tell you to live your life the best you can, never do so themselves anyway. So what happens if you didn’t ask for this life and the drive and route it entails? What do you do when you’re given one to live? What do you do when you’ve never ever wanted to make fucking lemonades out of the rotten lemons you’ve been handed?

 I wonder and I wonder. I wonder why in spite of all the swirls that come and go in my head daily, words still can’t flow like they used to. I feel bone-dry; emotionally and intellectually. I stare at the flicker of this word box and I wish that the reason to keep writing would be a simple one; because I can and because I love it. 

  Now, if only the reason for living was just as simple.

Quick

Music: Luminol – Ryan Adams

I need to define myself. I need to stop living within these walls of structured what-ifs. I need to decide if I still want to live because it’s either I live and live the best fucking possible way or I don’t. I need to stop sinking in quicksand pools in the middle of fences that will get me nowhere.

If I live, and I happen to fail and fall off this swinging pendulum, I need to pick myself up and move on to Plan B. I need to keep sowing and keep trotting on.

If I choose to end this, it’ll be at no expense or inconvenience to the people I love. It would be quick and swift and so long to this overrated thing called life.

So decide and decide soon. Start swimming or start sinking. Pronto.

Humble Pie

Music: Putting The Damage On – Tori Amos 

I’ve been humbled and forced into a box with virtually no peep hole for air or light. I know I can’t do this alone and I’m relinquishing the stubborn strings that come with the territory of assuming that things and events, in all their infinity, are in my control. I know that now and I know that this is only the initial portion of my newly baked pie.

I got to thinking about the past and the errors I have made, the holes I have dug, the feelings and emotions that didn’t belong to me that I have tossed aside. I know I’ve got amends to make and people to reach out to. I need to know, for all that it’s worth that I tried my darnest. I thought about reaping what I sow and I wonder if all this that I’m going through is somehow payback for the dirt that I’ve dished and the doors I have slammed. That this karmic train is coming around the same track it went round. And this is the carriage it brings along with it. This is the way I was chosen to be punished.

I thought about Mark. This wonderful, sensitive, kind individual who I knew truly and really loved me. I thought about all he did for me and the dishonesty I dealt him and it stopped me cold in my path. He said in an email dated more than a year ago which I never replied to that he could never forgive me because he could never forgive what he didn’t understand and he will never understand why I did what I did to him. It’s been almost 1.5 years now and I think its time to ask for 10 minutes of his day (not because what we shared was worth only 10 minutes of a 24hrs day but because it a reasonable amount of time to ask someone who 1.5 yrs ago said he can’t forgive you) to ask for him to try/consider the possibility of forgiving me. I need to know that I’ve polished all the floors in my court.

I thought about wonderful friendships lost somewhere along the line. Maybe they weren’t so wonderful after all if I lost them down the slippery, hazy path. But those were good times in my life and I only realised the extent to which I need to try one last time (because believe me, I’ve tried). So many things left unspoken, so many mysteries that hang around in my head. So here’s to old time’s sake.

I hope by making amends, it will somehow lighten this karma payback. I wish not to be punished this way but it seems my whole life right now is waiting for this one outcome. So please I pray, know that I’m truly sorry.

BFF

Music: Chop Suey – System Of A Down 

I have begun to concede that I am a failure. I feel like one, think like one and maybe tomorrow, I’ll start to live like one. After yesterday’s fiasco, I wondered if I even have it in me to excel in this continuous treadmill of a world. What made it worst was that I could have avoided being a failure but no, I had to go change my answers. I just had to second guess myself. That’s what failures do, don’t they? They second-guess themselves and their instincts and their gut. There are ubiquitous adages in all forms about believing in yourself and trusting your instincts and following your gut. After all, that’s what successful people do. They just go for it.  Me? I doubted myself and I ended up a failure.

 I am nowhere close to attaining my degree. Everything I’ve done in college the past 6 months was to make up for my lack of interest and the failed modules that that lack of interest garnered me. I have no paper skills to be proud of; no certification or anything that might help actually help put food on my table in the future. I haven’t mastered the guitar and I’m too lazy to even go collect and fix it up so I can actually go for lessons. I haven’t written in months and months and words that used to flow like liquid chocolate now come out contrived and stale. See, even now at this very moment when I’m writing about what a huge failure my life is, I’m at a loss for words. I haven’t started investing and yet, I would have lost money if I had invested in the European Property Securities fund that I picked out weeks ago to be a worthy investment. Isn’t that swell? I do have so much to be proud of.  I’m such a failure I am even incapable of coming up with a new plan for the month since the old plan for July had to be scraped because of my BFF yesterday. That’s right, my BIG FAT FAILURE.

I now wonder about the upcoming days and how to fill them. There will be no such question if I wasn’t such a failure. I’m not only a failure; I’m also a coward and a procrastinator. I don’t even have enough drive to search for my deferment letter and find out just exactly when I have to serve the nation. I don’t even have to balls to want to know when I need to do that. Because the most frightening thing about it all is that when the time comes for me to serve the country sooner than I anticipated (due to a change of plans and the inability to carry out the plans I had for myself) and I haven’t finished college, it will all amount to nothing in the end and I really would be a bloody motherfucking failure. What will I have to show for? The trips I have taken? The people I have met? The lessons learnt? What will that get me? What can I exchange all that for? It will eventually catch up with me and right now, I’m such a coward I’m afraid I will drown when the tide rises. I have nothing that I can buoy with. Nothing I can steer with when the waves approach and when they proceed to swallow me.  

I’m retreating back to the space in that particular moment in Amsterdam when on the caviar of psychedelic mushrooms; I wondered why we all work so hard for when we all amount to nothing when we leave this world. When every emotion felt and every amount of effort put into attainting something more and bigger and better, is ephemeral when you think about it. Because death is the inevitable outcome of this life; no matter your last name or the color of your skin or the size of your bank account or your intellectual capacity or the names in your little black book or the healthiness of your diet everyday. Because we can’t take anything with us when death knocks on that proverbial door. Because we all return to square one when we die. So why bother? Why even move on? Why even try eclipsing when you know it wouldn’t even matter when you’re gone? Why do spent hours fretting about how we look and how much we weigh even when we know we will eventually be nothing but nutrient for greens. Why do we care when people judge and point when in eventuality, it wouldn’t matter because we’ll all end up the same way. Why believe in love when it will hurt more when the people you love die? Why continue to clock in the hours living this life when we know we will never have all the answers to the questions we desperately seek for? Why why why?   

Why you ask if, after writing all that down and still having to live, do I not simply kill myself? Well, I did tell you I was a coward and hence, that naturally comes with the territory but the bigger reason why I’m not hosting a pharm party or jumping off the apartment building is because I am a failure and I know, deep down; despite all my sentiments, that I will still fail at killing myself. Now what could be worst than that?