Busy
Music: That’s Not My Name – The Ting Tings
I have been busy dealing with whatever has been thrown on my plate. I got most of it dealt with and this week was a pretty good week, if I say so myself.
Aside from checking out the various Summer sales, I am working on a new project. One I hope I’ll be launching in the coming weeks. Stay tuned!
Friday
Music: Bang On – The Breeders
Friday came and went and it was pretty good judging by the week I had. I got the thing I need to do over and done with and I am so relieved that I don’t ever have to do it again.
I got the news that I might not have to do another module this semester after all. I have enough credits to proceed on and I am just waiting to hear back on the confirmation so I am hoping and praying that I don’t have to spend extra time and money on what essential to me is completely unnecessary and uninspiring. Funny how that worked out because I was completely ready to pay and submit the paper work for the extra module when I felt something or someone was telling not to pay for it first at the back of my head and there were 2 other people in the queue in front of me and they were taking a long time so I decided to submit it the next day and it so happened that I got the news that there was a possibility that I might not need to after all so I hoping this is a good thing.
I got a call from my cellphone service provider during the week and this chick told me that they will be sending over a $200 voucher to get a new cellphone and a 50% discount on my plan for the next 12 months to thank me for being a ‘valuable customer’. Gone are the days that I had $500 monthly phone bills but I have spend thousands of dollars on phone calls and such and it’s ridiculous on hindsight but I got the money eventually. I have 1 month to make use of the voucher and I finally decided on the phone I am going to get just yesterday (LG KS20). I am in need of a new phone since phones and me don’t get along very well for long. I drop them, I toss them around, they fall apart and I get a new one. That’s kinda my routine. I am also waiting for Ziios’ official paperwork to come in so an account can be set up at Nokia and that can be used as a barter point for a cellphone of my choice. If someone’s going to give me a free phone, i might as well pick the most expensive one ay? Which is just what I am going to do. I have already submitted my choices and I shall wait and see.
I was deciding a gift for myself for getting through this week and my thing on Friday. It was between a Marc Jacobs watch and a Comme Des Garcons cardigan. I have decided to go with the cardigan. I’ll pop by the store when I have time. I just hope they have the exact one I want in the store here.
Shit
Music: Girls! Girls! Girls! – Liz Phair
My week just got screwed. I found out yesterday that I have to take another module this semester which will be fine and all if I haven’t already done it 2 years ago. Now I have to redo the stupid subject again and it’s just a major bummer because of the extra time it’ll take and the extra cost that would have been better off being blown at Balenciaga, Club 21 or Barney’s. I need Friday to go extra well and I get what I want and then maybe the week will end on a better note.
I’m just pissed at myself. I hate my major, I hate my occasional decisions made on impulse and I detest people. Hate is too strong a word but I just can’t stand people. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t to smile, I don’t want to think of anything. I just want to be done with this whole overrated-ness.
I’m not saying all this because of what happened this week. I’ve felt this way for a long time now. Give me the option of whether to exist or dissipate into star-dust come tomorrow and I will pick the latter. I don’t see a levity that comes associated with things and events. They’re just things and events and they fade as soon as they come.
I found out today that there’s a pervert living in the next block. I was coming back from the gym and waiting for the lift so I started reading the notices on the board. There is this man living in the next block that has been going around inviting kids to come up to his apartment; enticing them with candies; to take photographs with him. And these kids tell their parents and their parents bring it up to the police and now they’re on the lookout for a suspicious candy-man. Seriously, this pervert needs some older jerk-off materials. It’s like fucking leave the kids alone.
Pick on someone who has grown a full set of adult teeth. Maybe I’m just jealous that I’m too old for this lecher. You know if I was ever approached by him, what with my rage these days, I’ll stick his camera so far up his ass, he’ll be shitting photo printers.
Comprehensive
Music: Cold Shoulder – ADELE
I slept lots during the weekend. But it’s still not enough, it’s never enough. I feel a little more rested so I guess it’s good. I stocked up on essentials, shrank my pores, made a list of things I want which I intend to strike off by the end of the year. It should be fun.
I cannot wait for next week to be over. I cannot wait to get it all over and done with, so I can really chill, celebrate and drink Choya while watching TV. I also cannot wait for this period of uncertainty to be over; for the steady flow for income again. And the feeling of accomplishment.
I met Rno for lunch during the week where he explained just why he didn’t get my Balenciaga sandals. It was all a matter of logistics and location. But he’s going to New York next week and he’s going to fulfill his promise to get me the pair of sandals I have been lusting for. So I can’t wait till Friday when I get this thing I have to do out of the way and I get a confirmation from Rno that he got my sandals.
I’ve been on a magazine spree where I am seeking high and low for a perfect men’s fashion magazine. I’ve had enough of the usual men’s magazines where it’s like 5 pages of fashion and then the rest of the magazine being filled with articles I don’t give a shit about; the ones I read and then forget the moment I flip the page. If you want to call yourself a fashion magazine, then stick to fashion and grooming. I don’t need to know about vintage scotch or what women really think because I hate scotch and I can just buy my sisters coffee and rattle off a list of questions for them to answer. Of course, you have the 4 times a year GQ Style issue (that I just bought 2 days ago) but I don’t think there is a comprehensive magazine just for fashion and grooming for men. Or maybe I haven’t found it yet.
It was just like how I bought a magazine catered to gay men during the weekend. I had no idea it was a gay magazine until I reliased that there were ads where 2 male individuals were being very intimate and of personal lubricants. My first thought was that this was a very liberal men’s magazine. It was all fluff anyway, I didn’t learn anything new and the fashion spread was weak. Which was very disappointing given the fact of how gay men do certain things better.
I guess I’ll have to keep searching..
Want
Music: I’m Not Gonna Teach Your Boyfriend How To Dance With You – Black Kids
Club 21’s been sending me invites and mailers to sales and summer collection launches. There is a 20% store wide sale at the Club 21 store at The Four Seasons just for today along with champagne. I was also encouraged to spend money in the month of April at any Club 21 store to receive a Haagen Dazs voucher and Spinelli’s vouchers in the month of May. There’s nothing in the stores here that I want. The very 2 items; both Balenciaga, I want, can’t be bought in Singapore and I am very disappointed.
I have to call Balenciaga up in Paris to track down this pair of sandals I’ve drooled over for months. I have to get it, one way or another. So I am hoping that they can somehow ship it to me here.
I think some people need to start wearing deodorant when they work out. I was at the gym an hour or so ago and I was the only one until this guy came in. He was in his running shorts and his nylon singlet; his pits exposed and all. When he came close to me to ask if I was using a set of weights, I immediately cringed. He smelt like a mixture of bad eggs, sweat and cooked oil. It was worst when he started working out and sweating some more. So even though it might sound a tad ridiculous to even bother with cosmetics when you’re heading to the gym but really, I don’t think it’s too much to ask if some people cultivated the habit of just slapping on some deodorant or talcum powder under their arms before they leave the house.
I think that little action will make the world a better place. Or at the very least, smell better.
Not
Music: Running Up That Hill – Placebo
I am over this. The past 3 nights of tossing and turning and sporadic sleep resulted in 4 big zits. I only get zits when I don’t sleep well. I am still supposed to be glowing from my beach vacation. This just annoys the hell out of me.
People have been asking if everything’s alright with me; if I am going through an angst filled teenage phase. I just had to laugh at that. Firstly, I don’t think at 20, I can be considered a teenager; secondly, I got over all teenage angst when I was 15. Thirdly, I’m not in any state of depression just because I don’t want to meet up with people and just because I choose to spend the weekends watching tv and staying away from everything social. There’s nothing to do here and I hate making small talk and everywhere in town is packed on the weekends and I just don’t want to deal with random people. It’s as simple as that.
I just want to get rid of my damn zits, catch up on my shows and read. And for the occasional Saturday, like tonight, I will head out, meet one of my closest friends, have Mexican food and chug margartitas till we’re both silly.
3
Music: Bendable Posable – Hot Chip
The Club 21 Bazaar turned out to be a fruitful event. I arrived at The Hilton at 10am thinking that I would most probably be one of the first few people. I was so wrong; I arrived and there were already 2 lines formed. I should have known better; I was in town with about 15 mins or so to spare and decided to head to Borders to check out the magazine aisle. I was kicking myself for doing so but oh well.
I ended up with 3 pieces so I’m glad. I got a Miu Miu shirt, a Miu Miu short-sleeve pullover and a Dolce & Gabanna sweater. I made my way straight to my alteration person to have my new buys nipped and tapered to have them fit better. I should have checked out the shoe section first but for some reason, I didn’t and I regretted so. When I got there I saw a pair of Miu Miu black loafers with stencil-like cut out designs. They were so cute but they have already been snapped up. How unfortunate. I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
I met my sister Edith for lunch and told her about the bazaar and she took the rest of the day off work and drove down to check it out. She ended with 3 Comme Des Garcons pieces so it seems like 3 was the number of the day yesterday.
I feel completely languid today. I have no desire to do anything and nothing excites me. It’s kinda of a dull, sad and slow ambivalence. I have no idea why it can be just right the first time for most people but when it comes to me, I have to do twice or 3 times or even more. Why can’t I just it great the first time round?
Questions I will never have the answers to…
Grateful
Music: Wasted And Ready – Ben Kweller
I am back from Bali. Got back on Moday evening. I came back home, dropped my bags and started running the list of errands I had to take care of. I hadn’t had much time to rest till today. I am still tired and lazy (which I always am anyway) and I have a 9am – 10pm day tomorrow. Oh well.
I just got back from dinner with Mark where we chatted over sushi and umeshu. I absolutely adore that drink. He got me a $25 HMV voucher to thank me for uploading my music library onto his Ipod. Which i thought was completely sweet. He also bought me dinner, just because. I told him I wasn’t expecting anything in return when I uploaded my entire music library onto his Ipod for the 3rd time.
I was looking through the map of Europe and mentally planning my year end vacation as Mark dialed a cab for me. I got into the cab and the cab driver stared talking to me. I’m usually not a fan at all of cab drivers trying to strike up a conversation. I just want to be left alone and I am usually with my ipod and I don’t want to have to remove a earpiece and say ‘excuse me’ and have them repeat their random questions over again. It’s tiresome. But I didn’t have my Ipod with me today and the driver was endearing enough. He started asking me questions, and then talked about his son and compared me and his son and I felt a little bad because he was talking about how his son had to deal with furthering his studies after his National Service stint. I could sense his worry with regards to paying for his son’s education and his son’s future.
It made me think about this afternoon when I was contemplating going for the laser peel treatment on Friday to shrink my pores. The thing it wouldn’t even be a problem if not for the fact that I think the treatment is a tad over-priced. One treatment plus consultation is about $800 or so. And I think it’s steep for just one treatment. It’s fine if it’s a one time thing that would give me smaller pores but it’s something I probably have to do every month. It’s like buying a pair of shoes and the thing is, my complexion is great except for the fact that my pores are enlarged and I just hate how they look. And I would probably rather buy shoes. The conumdrum presented itself in the form of a Club 21 mailer inviting me to a private sale this Friday. I acutally thought the private sale was on a Saturday and so I was weighing my options; cancel the appointment and check out the sale or skip the sale and keep my appointment with the dermatologist. I looked at the mailer again and it turns out that the sale was on Friday which was a no-brainer. I would postpone the appointment and check out the sale and if it was disappointing, I would head down to the skin clinic and if I come out with a few new items from the sale, then hey, great.
I just thought about how the biggest problem I had today was whether or not to pay $800 to shrink my pores or to spend that money at the Club 21 sale and how minute that seemed compared to the driver’s worry. I completely understand where he’s coming from, I didn’t get everything handed to me from birth. I had to work extremely hard for everything I have today and I am putting myself through college but I also understand that I have been fortunate in this life and I have been blessed with things and oppurtunities of material substance.
It’s really about being grateful for the little things, from the HMV voucher that a good friend gives that I am going to use to get Alanis Morissette’s new album in June, and the nice dinner I had to the discount that the cobbler I frequent gave me today when I collected my YSL boots and Dior lace-ups.
And really, I am going to bed tonight grateful.
After
Music: No Cars Go – The Arcade Fire
I start my semester break today and I’m off to Bali for 10 days. Will be catching up on tv, magazines, lounging in the sun, eating and drinking, working out, hitting the spas almost daily. I need a holiday and though I didn’t pick the location, it’s still going to be nice doing absolutely nothing. I am terribly looking forward to doing just that. For some reason, these few days have been terribly exhausting and I feel myself semi falling asleep as I type this.
I went to the doctor’s 2 days ago for a follow-up checkup on my injury sustained during the whole window fiasco. Turns out I should have been given a course of antibiotics when I came to see the doctor the first time round and the doctor then, well, he didn’t prescribe any. So my wound now is infected and blah blah. It seems to be getting better but I still feel completely handicapped since I have to reduce the two finger’s contact with water and such. Bloody tiresome.
I’ll have more than a bunch of stuff to take home with me back to Singapore after Bali. Finally, my purchases and various shit from the US will be duffel-ed up with my name. I also had a great haircut today and collected the round of clothes I had altered. My alteration guy knocked $5 off the final price and apologised for taking so long to alter them all. That was decent of him and it’s delightful when little things like that happen.
So you know, as usual, here’s to more of such wonderful little things!
Silly
Music: A Sorta Fairytale – Tori Amos
I had a bit of an accident two days ago. It started pouring and the wind was so strong, it threatened to blow my mirror off the wall. I quickly rushed to shut the windows; I was down with the first pane and working on the second one when the wind blew it right into my fingers. It happened so quickly that I had no time at all to react. The impact sliced into my fingers and tore the skin off. It was bleeding profusely and it hurt. I felt a little faint after I washed it. I then had to lie down for a bit. I initially didn’t think I needed a doctor but my sister was adamant that I see one so I did and the doctor said I didn’t need stitches because it wasn’t deep enough but my skin was threatening to fall off so he bandaged it up and gave me some painkillers and charged me about $50 for 5 mins of wrapping two of my fingers. I was like man, but oh well, what can you do. I just think it’s silly to pay extra for things you don’t need to. It’s not plastic surgery or fillers by a top dermatologist. It’s just wound cleaning and bandages. Silly.
It’s really such a bitch because I can’t shower properly, can’t write properly, can’t brush my teeth properly, can’t work out the way I want to and thank goodness, I’m ambidextrous, if not I won’t even be able to jack off. Kidding, but you get my point.
I found passion fruit at the supermarket the other day and I was stoked. I love passion fruit and it’s not everyday that you see it in the stores. I add it to my daily shakes and it’s just great. And it was very cheap too.
Now if only I can say the same for some other things…
Gift
Music: New Shoes – Paolo Nutini
I’ve been so busy this past week and yet I don’t feel any particular motivation to do anything at this point in time. Such bad timing to feel this way. I still don’t feel completely up to being social and dealing with people. I started working out again this week and it’s going good so far. I can’t wait to get the next 11 days over and done with. I might probably feel better by then.
I caught up with Mark today and I haven’t seen him for about 2 months now. He just got back from his trip and he had a nice tan. We talked and we laughed and we caught up. It was great that we managed to put the past behind us. He still told me constantly today how gorgeous I am; from my body, my teeth to my hair. He said he loves me in the way that if I had a problem, he would do anything to help me out. I felt really fortunate in that moment. We get on famously and there is much to talk about and he has a wonderful soul. I guess that’s the thing about good, solid friendships. It doesn’t matter how often you talk, or how frequent you meet up but you know a friendship’s going last you a long time if you can pick up from where you last left off. And that really is a gift.
There was this pair of YSL boots I’ve wanted for months. It’s perforated and carefully stitched and crafted with a 2.5 inch heel. It’s beautiful. The drummer of Kings Of Leon has the same exact pair. I was surfing around during the week and I got on the YSL website to check on the boots again and I was shocked when I realised it was no longer on the website. So i immediately did a Yahoo search and I was lead back to the site but it was an older page with a completely different collection. So either they were in the process of site maintenance or in the midst of phasing the old collection out. Whatever it was, I knew I had to get the pair of boots. So I did and the nice thing was, there was some internal mix-up over at YSL’s end and I had selected ground shipping but the manager told me that they would ship it 2nd Day Air for free. I was pretty impressed with the level of customer service. It should be a given anyway but it was still nice of her. So here they are, my YSL Jonny Boots Betis.
Cheap This Way
Music: Underneath – Alanis Morissette
I was looking for frozen fruit today at the supermarket; thinking a big chain one that caters to expats will carry ones that can be found in the US. The big, huge packs that can last you a month kind. Instead, what I found were tiny packets of organic frozen strawberries and blueberries; the kind that won’t last you 4 days. And the kind that tries to justify $11 for a stupid tiny pack of frozen berries; just because it’s organic. Man, it’s times like these that I absolutely miss Costco. Truly.
I think it’s stupid paying $11 for a tiny pack of frozen strawberries. I think it’s stupid over-charging anyway. I spend this week avoiding paying extra for everyday stuff. I’ve never really bothered about it before till this week; I don’t know what caused the change. It’s probably the darn USD. I made an extra stop at Watson’s to get some balm for mosquito bites a couple of days ago because I thought it would definitely be more expensive at Jason’s. Turns out, Watson’s charged 35 cents for the same exact product! I was annoyed. It’s the same thing with those darn Neutrogena masks. Now they’re on sale for $1.95 a pop but regularly, they cost like $4 more a pop or something. It’s completely silly, I don’t think there’s much difference between a $5.95 hydrating mask by a known brand and a $1.95 mask by a house brand. No doubt Neutrogena makes good products but to pay an extra $4 for an individual mask? I don’t think so.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m cheap this way. I would pay $1000 for a pair of shoes without blinking an eye but I complain about paying 35 cents more for insect-bite salve. I just don’t see the need to pay extra for the same product or for something that does the exact same thing as a less well known brand. It’s mostly just marketing anyway.
Speaking of shoes, I bought a pair of boots yesterday. These everyday boots from C’N'C CoSTUME NATIONAL are just what I was looking for. So I was very pleased.
I still have to go search for frozen fruit tomorrow or the day after. I have a feeling I’m going to have to freeze fresh fruit instead. Oh well.
Waiting
Music: After Hours – We Are Scientists
After days of waiting and dealing with banks and going through the motion of proving that I indeed made the purchases I made, my items have been shipped. I’m just tired of having to wait and deal with proving that I am legitimate. I got a mesh polo and a vest from Ralph Lauren and a scarf from Paul Smith over the weekend. I also got a replacement Ipod since my old one was faulty. It’s good that it’s still under warranty and Apple basically replaces your cranky one for a new one. I was getting withdrawal symptoms from not being able to have my music with me. It’s all good now.
I’m waiting for Apple to release a 60GB or 80GB version of the Ipod Touch. That would be perfect and then I can use my paltry current 16GB Ipod Touch for movies and shows. I can barely fit in half my music library into my current Ipod and I hate having to choose between my favourite rock stars. It’s like Apple seems to only come up with new products as soon as you get one. They don’t release them when you’re not intending to purchase anything but as soon as you get something, the better, bigger version gets released weeks later. I need to get a Nano as well for the gym, something light and small that I can throw in my pocket and run and not be weighed down by.
I met Rno for lunch today and told him about my Balenciaga sandals and a tee I wanted. He’s heading to Paris this weekend. So the timing was perfect! So Rno, if you’re reading this, I am counting on you! Can’t wait till you get back to Singapore. Pick a Brazilian place and I’ll buy you lunch when you get back!
It’s been raining and raining and it’s bringing me down. How I miss California…
Virtual Consumerism
Music: Never Let Me Down Again – Depeche Mode
That particular Marc Jacobs tee I wanted 1.5 weeks ago was gone when I checked on it this morning. I settled for another Marc Jacobs tee and ended up getting a Lanvin tee as well. After spending a couple of hours figuring out the best way to pay for these without any security hassle, I updated my PayPal account and by the end of next week, I’ll have my two new tees. I signed up for Google checkout as well but was told that I needed to provide a copy of my ID card and my credit card for verification purposes. I’m like what gives? Seriously, all these recent fraud cases are getting on my nerves. Online shopping is one of my favourite past times and having to provide all these extra proof of identity just sucks the joy out of virtual consumerism. I understand the need to protect innocent people from identity thieves and fraudulent impostors but someone needs to come up with a less joy-kill method of verification.
I’ve been trying to get some new boxers for the past couple of months but I’ve never really gotten down to it. Most of my boxers have lost their elasticity. I got 3 pairs off the Abercrombie & Fitch website a couple of minutes ago. I’m pleased about that. Finally, underwear that fits.
I also realised that I don’t have much to wear on the beach come Summer or come my next semester break. I will be spending days on the beach and I threw out all my swim wear years ago and the Ralph Lauren beach shorts I got recently are too small so I can’t wear those and I need to go get some swim shorts and a new pair of flip flops.
I’m addicted to Frutips’ blackcurrant pastilles. I can’t popping them! Talk about a sugar rush…
Things
Music: Raspberry Beret – Prince
I’m having most of my wardrobe altered to fit me better. I love structure and fit and I’m so glad I found an alteration guy that knows what I want and how I want my clothes to turn out. It’s one of the simple pleasures in life; to be able to have clothes that hug and fit you.
I tried for hours yesterday to purchase this Gucci silk knit skinny tie that had my name written all over it. I have no idea why online boutiques make it so difficult for consumers to purchase stuff. First they had a problem with my billing address then my phone number and then they actually called me up to verify if I actually made the purchase. I understand the rigmarole of internet security to prevent identity theft and fraud but this is just getting on my nerves and the thing was, there was only 2 pieces of the tie left and I had to have it. After hours of trying and frustration, the order finally went through.
It’s like how a week and a half ago, I was trying to purchase this Marc Jacobs tee and I was told I had to pay via pay-pal or use google checkout. I was surprised, which major online boutique doesn’t accept major credit cards? I haven’t used pay-pay in years and I’m a little bit skeptical. I need to update my particulars as well so I’m going to look at the tee again this weekend and decide if it’s worth the transaction hassle of pay-pal. Oh well.
I’ve been meaning to get a pair of gladiator sandals for a while now. I found the perfect pair this week. It’s everything I want. Black, woven leather, clasp. Pure Balenciaga, Nicolas Ghesquiere genius. It’s unfortunately not sold in Singapore; they don’t sell Balenciaga’s men line here (why I don’t know). So Rno, if you’re reading this, give me a call. If you ever drop by Paris in the coming months, I need you to bring a pair back for me. Merci!
Alone
Music: Teenage Dirtbag – Wheatus
I need to stop binging. I realised how unusually large my belly has grown and it’s just completely unattractive along with how much I’ve been eating and how constant the thought of food is. Everything’s screwed up because I haven’t been able to sleep well the past couple of weeks. It’s surprising that I’m even functioning.
Along with not being able to sleep, I’m in this phase where I don’t want to talk to anyone, meet anyone, head out, do anything remotely physical or anything that resembles some inkling of being social. I enjoy time spent alone alot; sometimes too much, I think. And sometimes I get like this; completely cellular.
I know I’ll get over this; when I don’t know but soon. And oh, I got a bunch of 80s music and they’re awesome!
Don’t Think So
Music: 1979 – Smashing Pumpkins
My grandmother passed away last weekend. I got back to Singapore on Monday night and I have been dealing with school, the funerals, reports, laboratory sessions; all while trying to catch some decent sleep (to no avail). I am just exhausted and basically, unable to do much beyond my daily routine and even that is a bitch most days.
I always knew my mother came from a big family but I didn’t know how big it was till I saw the number stats on the wake booklet. My mother has 16 siblings, 13 brothers and sisters-in-law, and I have 31 cousins. Throw in 1 grand niece and another 1 on the its way. I just started thinking about the number and realised something was wrong. I can’t be the only one in the family with homosexual linings and tendencies. According to Kinsey’s sex survey (although its accuracy has been discredited in the course of time), one out of every 10 individual is gay. So according to the survey then, I should have 5 other gay family members but I’m betting it’s a smaller, more realistic number, say 2. I’ve never thought about it till yesterday. I’ve got to keep my eyes peeled more in the future; I might just have more in common with some people I only see once a year than I ever thought I would. I hope my hot cousin bats for my team. The last time I saw him, I remember him being boyish good-looking, jocky, smart, and so polite. A catch. Much fun.
The US dollar has sunk to a new low today and it’s making me upset and a little depressed. I know things will pick up eventually. But now is now and it’s my whole current reality. And sometimes, I rather not have one at all.
For Myself
I woke up today and did my usual email round when I found out that I got a year’s subscription of GQ as a Valentine’s Day gift. I thought that was very thoughtful and sweet. And it was just lying in my junk mail folder and it was a good thing I scan through that everyday. Valentine’s Day means nothing to me; it’s just another excuse to inflate the prices of flowers and mediocre food. Two things I don’t care for. It’s the little acts of patience and kindness you give and show everyday that counts at the end of the road. Everyday should be a special cause for celebration, if you ask me.
And in my world, a cause for celebrations means buying shoes. I was kicking myself a little sporadically whenever I thought about this pair of Dolce & Gabanna Black Python Loafers. 
I should have gotten them; they would completely come in handy for casual summer days. Which is, most of the year, in Singapore. I slept on it and then, my size was gone the next day. Such a bummer.
I was just surfing and thinking of said python loafers when I caught sight of this exquisite pair of black leather oxfords. This chic pair of oxfords by Christian Dior; with cut out square designs and a cool two hole lace up vamp. It is so me and I had in mind to get a pair of black oxfords and I found it! I immediately added it to my cart and bought it. I’m really looking forward to wearing my new Dior. Say Hello.
So this is my present to myself. I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day but I do believe in buying presents for myself. Just because.
It’s Like
Music: Yellow Submarine – The Beatles
I lost $115 or so this past 3 days on card games. It’s really not my year to gamble, I think. I also just counted my haul for this year. And excluding my sister’s cheque, it’s not even enough to fully pay for the upcoming bills. So I’ll still need to make a trip to the ATM.
It’s like: Dry Cleaning Tab – $36
Clothes Alteration – $100
Broadband Bill – $73
Cab Fare Tomorrow – $40
Watching Project Runway; eating cuttlefish and drinking Choya in my boxers – Priceless
For everything else, there’s always your older, foreign boyfriend. 
Here’s To
Music: M1 A1 – Gorillaz
Met Dave and Kris for drinks last night; where we heard more about Kris’ escapades the past 1.5 weeks ago. Mike came strolling in and the 4 of us started hanging out and it was fun. Turns out these 3 guys have more than one thing and one individual they know in common. It just further proves how terribly small this whole covey is. It’s one thing I detest about it all; this tiny, recycled meat circle. It’s like so is this it?
I came home after having supper with Kris and Mike and realised I dropped a 50 dollar note somewhere and I hate it when I do shit like that. It’s only 50 bucks but it’s still sheer carelessness and I don’t seem to learn but this time I will. I just hope someone who needs it more than I do picks it up.
I got an electric shaver this afternoon and it’s goodbye to cautiously trying to not cut myself as I shave. It’s annoying and I barely have anything to shave but I do need to so this would be less tedious. Met Kris for sushi after 4 hours of sleep and this other friend of his. We checked out this new sushi joint; maybe it wasn’t new but to me it was. I gave the server my card to charge lunch on it because I didn’t want Kris to pay for lunch and I paid for 3 movie tickets after for Away From Her. Kris, of course, said thank you and was grateful and I told him it was nothing. I had such a smashing time in LA last year and it was mostly because of Kris. Kris’ friend, on the other hand, didn’t utter a single thank you the whole afternoon. It was just like he was expecting it to be paid for. I didn’t even think about it till I was alone this afternoon when I realised that. I just think it’s strange and so impolite.
Another thing that annoyed me today was how I couldn’t use my Starbucks stored value card I got for Christmas here in Singapore. I could use it anywhere in the US and probably other parts of the world but I just don’t get why I can’t use it here. You would think, Singapore would be a place where you could use your Christmas present. Oh well.
I got back part of the 50 bucks I lost last night from playing cards tonight. I hope this is a good sign for more to come. For bigger things and for resolution for the things that dampen my day and keep me up at night. I just can’t simply wait to get over this whole period. Here’s to more! So much more!
Growing Pains
Music: Fight Test – The Flaming Lips
I just got back home from Dave’s house party in honour of Kris’ arrival from LA. It was a pretty great party where alcohol and conversations flowed freely. I got to Dave’s 20 minutes late; thinking I’ll be the last one there. Turns out, there were 3 other boys there before me. The worst part of it? I was the oldest out of all of them. And it dawned upon me that I’ve got to get used to being the oldest of the youngest in the future because there is going to be boys much younger that me; time and time again.
So one of Dave’s young thing who is currently serving his 2 years of National Service in the Commando Unit; had more than he could drink and was completely wasted by 1am. I knew he was getting to his threshold by the increase volume of his voice and the added physical articulation of his actions. Dave, of course being the good host, kept refilling his glass and the poor boy kept drinking. Till it got to the point where he had to go puke in the spare bathroom; one he barely known for 2 weeks. I made sure he had Aspirin and lots of water and I chucked his martini glass in the sink.
So when all this was happening, another one of Dave’s young boys, started making fun of the whole situation which I thought was completely uncalled for. He laughed at the other guy was widely exaggerating his reactions and how he locked himself in the bathroom for a good 30 mins. He also laughed at how the poor guy needed to purge it all out.
So it was Dave, his two disgustingly young boys, me and Kris’ sexy Realtor. Given one was in the bathroom hugging the marble toilet bowl; it was just down to the 4 of us. We sat and drank and talked some more till it was time to call it a night. So the 3 of us shared a cab back and we were talking and laughing till we realised Dave’s young boy was sound asleep. The cab driver got to said young boy’s place where he immediately covered his mouth as if he was about to barf. And it turns out, he did. And since I was sitting beside him, he purged on my left hand and all over the cab door as I was trying to open the door for him. Great, just great. Just what I needed. He then, left us with the mess, said goodbye and walked home. Without offering to clean up hid putrid remains or pay for his share of his cab fare.
The poor cab driver had to offer his bottle of water for the night to wash off the vomit. I stood there, rinsing off some young boy’s vomit while Kris’ Realtor helped wiped it off his sheets and sheets of Kleenex that the cab driver provided. I called Dave after when it was all done to tell him what had happened. Then I got a text message from the boy who puked; apologising for what he had done. But it was still not enough. But whatever. I tipped the cab driver extra and told him to head to the nearest petrol station to get his cab washed.
So I got home, scrubbed my puked-on hand again and again. Sanitised it and washed it again. Oh man, I should just get used to this; there will always younger boys talking trash, drinking too much and inevitably puking their guts out. Such is growing up.
But someone owes me dinner for cleaning his mess up. That’s the bare minimum. You know, after all, my rate’s not cheap.
Blah
Music: Aurora – Bjork
I feel like I just got burnt by the sun and it’s completely weird. I haven’t been in the sun at all this week and the only thing I did yesterday that exposed me to any UV rays was to spend 15 minutes at the tanning salon. I don’t burn or turn lobster red so this is very strange. I did think that I might be coming down with a case of the hives because my back felt annoyingly itchy last night. It must be the torture of being in limbo coupled with the shitty dollar rate, the spiralling stock market and the fact that I can only fall asleep after 6am everyday. This needs to stop.
I felt completely Blah today. I’ve got completely no motivation what so ever to do anything. I’ve been craving an In-N-Out burger this past 4 days and the only thing that comes close to it here is Carl’s Jr but it’s just out of the way from school and it’s too much hassle to travel and jostle for a fast food meal. But I really felt like a fast food meal tonight so I hit Burger King and it did satisfy my craving. I then headed to the supermarket to get a bottle of Honey Choya because it’s Friday and because it’s like my favourite thing to drink on the rocks. The lousy supermarket didn’t carry the honey one, neither did it carry the chips and various junk food I wanted. That was a bummer. But I did get a can of abalone and 2 packs of my favourite instant noodles; they go so well together. So it really wasn’t a wasted trip.
I found this video and it’s pretty funny. Mother walks in on son masturbating. It’s vintage. I did think the kid made it pretty obvious that he was masturbating though; he could have just pretended he was scratching his growing pubes. You know after all, it’s what pubescent boys do.
Not Just Me
Music: E-Pro – Beck
Had drinks at Dave’s last night where we finished a bottle of Absolut between the two of us and chatted till past 3 in the morning. He was showing me pictures of his various boys in various states of undress. They were mostly naked and then the subject of circumcision came up and he brought up the fact all the Chinese boys that he had slept in Singapore with have been uncircumcised. So he reached a conclusion that most Chinese Singaporean boys are uncut. Which I said was strange because I thought that most Singaporean Chinese boys were circumcised at birth or during their early years. And I have not slept with any uncut Singaporean men which further proves my point since Dave likes his boys young. So we made a wager; I was to go ask my brother if he was circumcised and I’ll ask my sister if her husband’s cut. I know they’re both cut; if I’m not wrong and Dave thinks they’re uncut and loser buys dinner. So I should start thinking of what I want to eat.
I found a place for pretty decent buffalo wings. It’s in deep near an army camp and it probably isn’t worth getting lost and spending an hour trying to find the damn place which was what my brother and his girlfriend did 2 weeks ago. But thanks to Google Maps, we found it tonight. My steak was completely mediocre which was disappointing because I was in the mood for a good steak.
Just like how I’ve been craving instant noodles with abalone for the longest time. And I mentioned it over dinner and my brother went, “Oh you’re so high maintenance; instant noodles with abalone, but let’s go get some.” Because he wanted some as well.
So it’s really not just all me. And I’m talking about the uncircumcised bit as well.
Why
Music: Modern Girl – Sleater-Kinney
I just finished my first report of the year and I feel a good sense of accomplishment. I started to wonder, no not wonder, ponder just how different things might be if I had picked an easier major. One which I am actually good at and am genuinely interested in. An easy one like Communications that I’ll breeze through instead of struggling like how I am now. Sometimes, when I think about it all, I kick myself for not thoroughly grasping my limitations and for ignoring my far superior right brain to instead get an education where I would need to use my left brain more. Seriously.
I stood in the laboratory today and it just hit me that I barely understood what was happening. Sure, I have an idea what I’m doing and the sense behind it all but it always takes me a longer time to figure it all out which wouldn’t be happening if I was pursing a major that involved skills that I already have. But what can you do? You get choices in life and you make them and you just have to stick by them. At least I’ll have more options in the future. But that doesn’t really matter because I already know what I want to do and I won’t be needing a Life Science degree. But you never know.
I really just want to get this all over and done with. Just like how I want the US dollar to go up and the whole bloody stock market to correct itself. So much money have been lost these past 3 weeks and it’s really time to make it all back and more. Oh well.
But hey, now I have 2 more things to keep me awake at night. Just exactly what I needed.
Freeze
Music: Nobody Move, Nobody Get Hurt – We Are Scientists
I find myself drifting to sleep only after 4.30am every morning. That means I spend hours trying to even get to sleep. It’s completely unproductive I know and I shall do something about it. It’s either one thing or another that I think about and last night it was the possibility that Jim might get a job and relocate here sometime this year. I don’t think we’ll survive it if he makes the move. Firstly, I’m not ready to move out of my place and go share a living space with him for an extended period of time. His personal and bathroom habits annoy me and I like my current living situation just the way it is right now. Secondly, I like my freedom, my space and I enjoy being alone. I like just picking up and going somewhere and doing whatever I want. If he was here, I would have to think about fitting him into my spontaneous whims. Most importantly, he put me through a lot of unnecessary bullshit when we first started out and it lasted for a good year or so. Him being physically here, would remind me of all that and there only way to get it all behind me is to end it with him. And that leads to the question of what’s going to happen if it doesn’t work out between us when he’s here because I was here first and this is my place and he should go find his own corner. Anywhere but here.
I don’t want to think about it or have to deal with it. I just wish things in the US would work out because if they do, it would be great for him. It would mean flexibility and travel and loads of fun. And the option to move here would cease to surface; at least for a while. I tried explaining it to him earlier on today and for some strange reason, I have so much difficulty articulating my thoughts when it comes to this matter. Because it’s just tough to put into words where I’m coming from when it comes to this. Arg.
I think I just need to sleep. Sleep well and sleep good. I can’t deal with shit in my current state. Soon soon, I’ll get my workout routine back and start sleeping again.
I got a Comme Des Garcons shirt yesterday and a Paul Smith wallet to replace my current one. It’s been less than a year since I got my current Paul Smith wallet but it’s already been stained by my jeans and the colour of the iconic stripes have faded and I have no idea how to polish them or clean them to remove everyday stains. So I was initially planning to get another one when I find a Paul Smith store that carries the specific one I want. But I found it last night so it worked out well.
Now if only some other things would work just as well.
Idiots
Music: Time To Pretend – MGMT
I’m writing this from my new PC. I spent the last couple of days trying to get this piece of hardware up and running. I had to make 2 trips down to the store; lugging my new 19 inch LCD monitor back and forth to deal with a faulty graphics card but now that everything’s been taken care of; I’m a little more relieved. I’m still getting used to the size of said LCD monitor; I got it for Christmas from my brother and his girlfriend. It’s just really big and my eyes will need some time to adjust.
So Doug asked me out to dinner on Sunday night. We went to Rochester Park and I had to call the restaurant for directions since having only been in Singapore for 3 months in 2007; I have no clue where the new restaurants and watering holes are. It was obvious that he wanted to get into my pants. And he made it even more obvious over post- dinner drinks at Hed Kandi.
”You have pretty skinny legs for someone who runs constantly.” He commented as he stroked and felt my legs.
”Yeah, I have pretty slim legs. They’re slim but they’re toned and you’re not going to see them tonight.” I said, matter-of-factly.
”Oh, but I can still feel them right?” He asked cautiously.
”Knock yourself out.” I answered flatly.
”So you’ve already made your decision that you’re not going home with me, huh?” He inquired as he spun his chair around.
”Yup, I did.” I said as I finished up my drink.
I’m like seriously; you ask me out to dinner and then I had to search for a restaurant; make reservations and oh, pay for my dinner (which I never have a problem doing). But you don’t ask a boy to dinner and then split the bill; let alone have him google for restaurants and rest on the fact that you’re a foreigner in town. Whenever I’m abroad, I still know what I want to eat and where I want to go. So really.
This chick; who was an hour late, sat beside me in class on Monday and it’s like they’re all the same. They all lack basic manners and social decorum. She asked if she could have a sip of water from my bottle because her mouth’s really dry. I looked at her stunned. She was a complete stranger to me and it was akin to going up to any random person and asking them if you could share their Big Gulp. You don’t do that. I told her she could have some water. 30 minutes later, she asked if she could borrow my pen to sign the attendance file, I said yes again and she signed the file and then dumped the file and pen on my notes without even a thank you and left to scramble to borrow the notes for the past lecture. That wasn’t all; throughout the lecture, she kept kicking my chair. I glared at her and she looked back at me directly in the eye and I told her to stop kicking my chair. It took like a second for her to register what I said and she apologised.
I then found out that she’s not liked by anyone in the class. She and her other friend make use of other people, borrow things, never return them and refuse to share their notes with anyone; even if said person might have helped them out in the past.
It’s all the new money people. The rising middle class. Sure, money can pay for a good education but that doesn’t equate social graces. Idiots.
And oh, I bought a Paul Smith necklace the other day. And I have yet to clear out my wardrobe and the alteration guy is taking a really long time to fix my shirts. Tsk tsk.
Someone needs to be spanked.
Nothing Else
Music: Losing My Religion – R.E.M
I met Dennis for a round of drinks last night and he shared that he wanted a nose job. I sorta had a feeling that was coming up and I told him he should keep the news to a selected few; for obvious reasons, and that I was honoured that he asked for my opinion. There was a Prada model look-alike last night at the bar, he even had those cute geeky glasses. He checked me out a couple of times and it was a tad funny to watch his pick for the night continuous attempt to vie with his cellphone for his attention. I did a double take when said Prada model look-alike stood up to go to the bathroom. His pants were pulled up to the mid portion of his belly. It was so wrong.
I have still yet to begin dealing with my deferment process. It’s so far beyond my control that I just think it’s better to just get it over and done with. And of course it is but I need to go in with the knowledge that I’ll be guaranteed a clerical posting and that’s the only thing I’m in limbo here about right at this point in time.
I milked the fact that it was my birthday for all that it was worth on the two flights back to Singapore. There were only 4 of us in business class on the flight to Narita and I was asked if I was staying on in Tokyo because the stewardesses wanted to give me a good bottle of champagne to celebrate but that wouldn’t clear customs so it wouldn’t made sense. The crew on flight back to Singapore came by my seat one after another to wish me and before we landed, they made an announcement and the whole crew came over with an ice cream sundae and sang Happy Birthday. It was pretty sweet of them to do so.
I took a rain cheque for my birthday gift from Jim. I have yet to find something I really want. Except probably get this whole tedious, time wasting period of my life over with.
Realise
Music: Our Bovine Public – The Cribs
I am down with a bout of Tonsilitis. I barely have a voice and sporadic temperature flushes have kept me awake the past 2 nights. I was puking my guts out on Friday morning when I realised that this is the sickest I have been in over a year. I’m so over it.
Dave cooked a 3 course dinner for me on Thursday and he made sure my glass was never empty. I was sitting by the kitchen counter, with home-made martinis and nibbling on romaine lettuce bits; watching him prepare dinner. I really like that; I really dig it when a man creates something with his hands out of barely nothing. We were conversing when it became clear that he had all along assumed that I was single.
We went up to the roof of his penthouse after dinner and Dave opened up the bottle of Greek Visanto Wine that I had brought over. It was just us and good wine and the cool December air. I told him that 2 months ago, on one of my many flights back to Singapore, I realised that if the plane were to crash; I would die happy. Happy because I have done whatever I wanted to do. I haven’t done everything I want to do nor achieve everything I want to but if my time was up, I would go happy.
He misunderstood me and said, “Look, you’re saying this because you think you’ve been through a lot and know a lot but when you get to my age, you’ll realise your circle just became so much larger and there is so much you don’t know.”
”I completely understand that. But that wasn’t what I was trying to imply. I was merely sharing with you that if I were to be on a faulty plane, I would go a happy person because I would be the one person able to sit back admist all the chaos and smile knowing that if I go, I would have lived my life the way I wanted to. At least I went knowing that.” I responded immediately.
”Ahh, I get it, I get what you’re trying to say now.” He apologised.
I hate it when men do that. It’s like they think I’m completely oblivious to the fact that I don’t know everything and that I am barely just beginning. And they feel they somehow need to ‘impart’ their life lessons to me. It’s like lesson number 1: Fucking listen. Dave had previously, over the course of our dinner conversation, jumped to 2 other conclusions about me because he simply didn’t take the time to digest what I was saying. But I’m just not motivated enough to retell it all again here.
But the night was good. Dave’s good company and we get along well. I’ll see him around.
Just got back from drinks with Mark. We spent more than 3 hours catching up. From him catching Tori Amos live in Brisbane, to his new place, to my new place, to his travels, to my travels, to his 2008 plans, to his intention to move to Holland in 2009 etc.
I finally made peace with him and he said it’s all in the past. He once said he could never hate me and he reminded me of it again tonight.
”It’s never been hate, Nick, it’s more fustrated and disappointed and hopeful and grateful and confused with you.” He continued.
I told him I was not going to apologise anymore because it wouldn’t change a thing and it wouldn’t justify what I did to him but he said it’s behind him and so like that, it’s behind me as well.
But we had a blast and it was just like old times. He said that he had always thought he would bump into me one day and we would talk and catch up and be good again. I told him it was funny because I sometimes think about that too. But we never did bump into one another.
He kissed me goodbye and gave me a hug and said it was really good to see me as he opened the cab door for me. I told I would see him soon. And just like that, I realised, we were back to being friends.
To Be Able To
Music: Blitzkrieg Pop – The Ramones
I spoke to Mark yesterday. He filled me in on the places he’s been and the events that have taken placed in the last 1.5 years that have changed the way he view his temporary home state. He referred to the proverbial chunk of time we were together as the ‘period of time spent with you’. He said my phone-call was a surprise and I told him it’s about time that I gave him a call. We’re having drinks on Friday night; it’s high time I apologised and made amends.
Dave texted me last night and asked what time I was coming over because dinner was almost ready. He’s someone who’s been trying to get into my pants since the day we were introduced. I knew it was a ruse so I called him and I was right. He had clean forgotten (so he claims) about him inviting me for dinner and I had made other plans because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. We rescheduled for tomorrow.
I have almost given up on looking for the next pair of shoes to gift myself. I looked everywhere today. Dolce & Gabanna again, Gucci, Prada, Emporio Armani, Calvin Klein. Zilch. But I did find a really cool patent grey belt at Calvin Klein which I bought after they adjusted the length.
These few days of insomnia have totally taken their toll. I have no idea why I can’t sleep. I’m breaking out and I’ve got a bitch of a sore throat and a bit of a temperature. These only happen when I don’t get enough sleep. Maybe I’ll go see a shrink or a sleep therapist. I need some good pills.
I just want to be able to sleep. Is there too much that I’m asking for?
How Not To
Music: Fuck And Run – Liz Phair
I’m going to write Friday night’s episode as a lesson on how not to shoot myself in the foot and how not to ask for it. I lost my watch; one that was given to me as a gift. Only because I asked for it. You get choices in life and if you pick one, you have to stand by it. Even if it’s the wrong one and you’re left wondering why the fuck you did so the afternoon after. Write it off as something I lost when I torched my own roof. So be it.
I met a Mark-double Friday night. He was sitting on the steps outside dialing for a cab. Linda was trying to get one as well to take us to the club so I sat beside him while she did that. He reminded me so much of Mark that I had to stop and catch a breath. I asked if he was working for the British Council and he said he was a Scientist. I told him I majored in BioMedical Science and he expressed doubts.
He said, “So you’re an Asian with really white teeth, chewing gum and majoring in BioMedical Science?”
”Yeah, do you want proof?” I answered, while trying to capture his face.
”I thought gum was illegal here. How did you get yours? And do you have some with you?” He moved on; clearly displaying signs that he was FOTP (Fresh Off The Plane).
I told him I didn’t bring any with me. But I offered him some Altoids instead.
His cab arrived 10 seconds later and he hopped on; only to lean out; door wide open, looked at me and looked at Linda and said something along the lines of, “Take good care of him would you? He’s a special bunch of trouble. That he is!”
I could have jumped into his cab and wrangled something more out of him but I didn’t. I just stood there, and watched his cab drive off.
I thought about Mark and how I should give him a call. But I don’t know how I’m going to construct my words into sentences that makes sense or warrant my calling him up. And if he even wants to speak to me. There is no room to justify the bastard I was to him and I wish there was a way I could make things right. Some way I could learn how not to bite the hands that used to love me.
Some way to learn how not to die emotionally alone.
I tried to track down the pair of Lanvin Patent Derby shoes today but was told that the store here wouldn’t be bringing it in. So I popped into the Calvin Klein store and got a shirt. I also got a tailor reconmmendation from one of the chicks working there. I took my new purchase in and it would be ready tomorrow. Talk about being efficient. If this tailor works out well, I would be pleased. I have a bunch of new shirts all waiting for him to start working on. I also bought a pretty cool cashmere cardigan at Helmut Lang on Friday.
I’m going to start wrapping Christmas presents. It is, after all, better to give than to receive.
Continuation
Music: Wasted Little DJ’s – The View
Picking up from where I left off the other day, I continued the search for go-fuck-yourself shoes.
This pair of Dolce & Gabanna Mirrored Leather Wingtip Oxfords is available for pre-orders. Calfskin and double stitched throughout, this pair with its mirrored finish screamed ‘Look at me!’. Usually, this would fall into the category of the exact type of shoes that I would lust over but this pair just screams a little too loudly for my liking.
This pair of Salvatore Ferragamo Notte Slip-On caught my eye by surprise. I’ve never paid much attention to Ferragamo’s line of shoes but there were a couple from their Studio Collection that were sleek and demanded a second, closer look. Especially this pair; Black patent leather with grosgrain strap across front vamp. I dig how the extra detail enhances the overall look of the shoes. My only suggestion: A sharper, pointed tip would add another level of desire.
I’ve been hanging out on Facebook via my Ipod Touch and I am thrilled at what this nifty little gadget can do. I didn’t have much time to explore the other features of the Touch when I first got it a month or so ago. But I will be surfing and virtual shopping with it everywhere I go from today. I tried blogging with it but I could only fill out the Title and Tag line and not the post line. Hmm. It would have been perfect otherwise.
My PC’s falling apart and it’s about time for a new one. In fact, it’s about time for a new everything. So c’mon 2008!
Love In The Form Of
Music: I Predict A Riot – Kaiser Chiefs
There is the love you feel when chicken soup is cooked especially for you when you’re under the weather, the love you receive from your lover from the cheque with multiple zeros that he wrote out to you and slide under your pillow before jetting off to Milan, the love you create by stroking yourself and reaching climax. Then there is the love that makes you want and smile and excited that comes in the form of a pair of well-crafted shoes.
If it isn’t obvious by now, I have a thing for shoes. Beautiful, sharp, go-fuck-yourself shoes. So it’s only apt that my Christmas gift to myself would be a pair of drool worthy footwear. I’ve been searching for the perfect pair to present myself for about a week or so now and I only made actual progress yesterday.
I started at Barneys.com and soon found myself thrilled by this pair of Lanvin Patent Derby. Laser cut with a black sheen; I knew this could just be it. And it was on sale too! But alas, there weren’t none left in my size. I stared and analysed it for a couple of minutes and called it a night.
I came home from the club tonight and started the hunt again. This time, I hit the jackpot but not without a few misses.
This pair of Dolce & Gabanna Metallic Fabric Oxford Shoes were just what I wanted. It was sharp, metallic and would warrant attention when worn to town. I like patent, sheen and dark colours. And this pair checked every box. But like the Lanvin pair, it was out of my size.
I found another pair of pointed-toes Dolce & Gabanna’s. I added it to my list and removed it on second thought because it was simply too plain and a tad dull. But I did dig the sharpness of it.
Then came the next two items in my cart and I spent 20 minutes self debating about whether to simple just purchase them because they were both exquisite. This pair of Dolce & Gabanna Black Python Loafers made me stop in my virtual tracks. It was stylish and put together and exotic. The thing was, I wasn’t so sure that it was very me and it did look like it would add 10 years to my profile. It was tough but I decided to look for something that didn’t make me think twice.
I was beaming when I found this pair of Prada Black Perforated Leather Dress Loafers. This was the one I would be whipping out my credit card for. It was sleek and dressy and sophisticated. It also looked like a classic and would look stylish dressed up or down. So Merry Christmas to me!
I’m on the fence for this pair of Dolce & Gabanna Black Stamped Leather Oxfords. They have my size in stock and I like the woven illusion detail and the lace up design. It would be an immediate purchase if the tip had been a little sharper. So I’m still sitting on this one.
Now the hunt starts again for my Birthday present….
Repeat, Repeat
Music: Take, Take, Take – The White Stripes
I found out yesterday that the dry-cleaing lady I patronise is a Falun Gong member. It explained the constant tirade of questions about my frequent trips to the US and a non-stop monologue of how I should head down to Manhattan on Christmas to watch a dance competition and how ‘beneficial’ it would be for me. I thought it was a little strange but I brushed it off till yesterday when I got a complementary Falun Dafa 2008 wallet calendar from said dry-cleaner that it all made sense. She started lecturing me on how I really should go get a seat at the dance event and engage myself in the wondrous momentous affair. After this batch of clothes get dry-cleaned, I won’t be going back to her. It’s one thing to share with me your beliefs and another to rub my face in them when all I really want is my receipt and my clothes cleaned on time.
I did a search on Wikipedia and this paragraph caught my eye: “In May 1998, Li Hongzhi (the individual responsible for introducing Falun Gong to the public) made statements condemning homosexuality. He stated that homosexuality was “dark state of mind”, and suggested that homosexuality was incompatible with cultivation. However, homosexuals can practice Falun Gong if they “correct this bad behavior.”
Another reason to not support her business. Maybe I should tell her I sleep with men for fun when I pick up my clothes next week and watch her sacrosanct reaction.
I seem to repeat my mistakes as often as I change my Calvin Kleins. I had a new shirt that I wanted shrunk because I like my clothes to fit snugly. So what did I do? I dry-cleaned it, knowing fully that it wouldn’t shrink my shirt like water and a spin in the dryer would. I was even asked if I just wanted to wash and starch the shirt. I seriously don’t know what’s wrong with me. I keep pulling shit like that and then 24 hours later, I get hit with this wave of regret.
Why do I always have to learn things the hard way?
So It Goes On
Music: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
So I arrived back in Singapore yesterday afternoon after spending 2 nights in Bangkok. I’m back at square one; waiting, hoping, counting down. I’m still working on being good at waiting. It seems like I have been doing nothing but wait. It’s becoming my new job.
Hit downtown with Bryan today with a bout of consumerism. I came home with the last Christmas present on my list, a sweater and a shirt from Calvin Klein, a shirt and polo from DKNY and that elusive day bag I have been hunting all over for (I finally found one nonchalantly displayed that bore a semblance to what I had in mind) at Armani Exchange. It’s black, distressed leather with a hobo structure and adjustable shoulder strap that I wouldn’t feel bad being hard on and tossing around (I’m known to push my things to their damaged point) because it’s only $399. I had no luck with my hunt for a pair or two of black jeans. I’ll make a trip to Prada one of these days to see if they have any in my size in stock since I know they make black ones for men. Neither did I have any luck with finding another pair of shoes to gift myself; for Christmas. Nothing at Giorgio Armani, Calvin Klein, Dolce & Gabbana, DKNY, Paul Smith, Balenciaga, Bottega Venetta. The hunt goes on.
So does the craving for young, libido satisfying sex. Like jack rabbit, fucking-to-oblivion sex. Oh the irony.
I’m going to warp presents and de-clutter my room and clear my wardrobe and throw stuff out. I get much pleasure from throwing stuff out. I hate junk and I hate dust collectors. So anything I haven’t worn or used in 6 months goes. Out with old, in with the new; I say!
Fuck
Music: Terrible Lie – Nine Inch Nails
I’ll be in Seattle for 6 weeks. If you had asked me 21 days ago, I would have reticence on my forehead and second thoughts about going back. Now, it’s a source of a bit of relief. I need to submerge myself for a bit and only come up for air when I want to. I need to surround myself with unknowns and unfamilarity and wet weather. It’s funny how life is always 2 steps ahead of you and seems unabashedly willing to constantly rub your face in the fact that it knows better than you what you need and the road that lies ahead.
It had dawned upon me a couple of days ago on the flight back from Bangkok, just how if I were to die tomorrow, I would die happy because I would pass with the knowledge that I would have lived my life. I’m never again going to justify the choices I have made and the sacrifices that had to be made as a result of these choices. If there ever comes a day in the future when consequences arise because of these choices, then that will be the bed I have made and the cross that I’d have to bear and I will. I will lie in that bed and bear that cross. I won’t have gotten to this point in my life if I didn’t know what I wanted or where I was heading. I’m so over explaining this all.
I just realised I left my umbrella in the cab and I am so kicking myself in the balls now. I can’t believe how the one time I didn’t take a second glance before shutting the cab door would be the one time I lost something that meant much to me. I could lose any umbrella but this one was my FCUK RAIN umbrella and I had got the last one that had been sitting at the back of the flagship store in London for seasons and maybe years. It was meant to be mine and now it’s gone because of my sheer carelessness. Arg. Fuck fuck fuck!
More
Music: Silver Lining – Rilo Kiley
I met Mike at the iSHOP store today. I finally got my 16GB Ipod Touch. Then after, it was to the Dolce & Gabanna boutique at the Hilton to look for that feel-better-already pair of patent shoes. I initially thought they didn’t have them because they weren’t in the store so I asked if I could order them from a catalog. Turns out, they did have them; they weren’t in my usual size but they fitted well and they were so mine. I got a letter from Club 21 basically telling me how I haven’t been spending any money in their stores in a while; having been out of Singapore most of the year. So any purchase from any Club 21 store in the month of October will get me a food and beverage voucher from The Hilton. Perfect timing. Today’s purchases should get me another year of membership and some vouchers for tea.
I’ve been meaning to get my hands on a set of Nintendo Ds Lite ever since the flight back from the States when it hit me that I have tried every single dish on the Business Class menu and watched every single movie available on the entertainment system on-board. So you know you’ve been flying a lot when all that is left to do is to pop a Xanax and dose champagne and wait for sleep to knock to pass the time. A Nintendo Ds will keep me occupied when I’ve finished the new book orders from Amazon and the latest issue of Vogue and The Economist. It shall be my trusty companion for the 10 upcoming flights and the thousands of miles flown. I settled on a black one.
Met Linda for dinner a few hours ago. She brought up a point that had me thinking when she said how she could settle down with a successful man, have kids, have a career, be a wife and mother and still have problems despite it all. I said that there will always be problems but it’s all a matter of the breed of problems they are. Whether they be short-term or long-term, solvable and dis-solvable or lingering and obvious. I thought about the problems I have right now; the pending new college year, my accident and the following infection and my stationery uncommunicative relationship. They are short-term and solvable and I know just how to deal with them. Imagine if my state of health took a dive for the worst and I had to continue living this life with a disability or if I was struggling and my bank account was bone dry which would take a lot of time to earn enough to have enough. These could be the harvests that I would have to reap and exist with. I’m appreciative of the fact that my pot of problems only contain life’s dumpings that will get flushed and serve as reminders and lessons in time to come.
Perhaps this is the silver lining I’ve been looking all over for.
Sake Of It
Music: Digital Ghost – Tori Amos
I’m at a stagnant, feet-dragging point on this long, long path right now. I struggle with the inability to dig up a deeper meaning to this life and yet, I yearn to rediscover the old drive I used to have. This lack of motivation and purpose consumes me an hour after I get up everyday. There’s nothing to live for and even if there was, everything is ephemeral in its entirety.
So what’s the point? I wonder and I wonder if I can ever get out of this quagmire of unanswered questions because I’ve had enough of going through everyday just for the sake of it.
Something needs to change; sometimes that’s all you need to go on.
BFF
Music: Chop Suey – System Of A Down
I have begun to concede that I am a failure. I feel like one, think like one and maybe tomorrow, I’ll start to live like one. After yesterday’s fiasco, I wondered if I even have it in me to excel in this continuous treadmill of a world. What made it worst was that I could have avoided being a failure but no, I had to go change my answers. I just had to second guess myself. That’s what failures do, don’t they? They second-guess themselves and their instincts and their gut. There are ubiquitous adages in all forms about believing in yourself and trusting your instincts and following your gut. After all, that’s what successful people do. They just go for it. Me? I doubted myself and I ended up a failure.
I am nowhere close to attaining my degree. Everything I’ve done in college the past 6 months was to make up for my lack of interest and the failed modules that that lack of interest garnered me. I have no paper skills to be proud of; no certification or anything that might help actually help put food on my table in the future. I haven’t mastered the guitar and I’m too lazy to even go collect and fix it up so I can actually go for lessons. I haven’t written in months and months and words that used to flow like liquid chocolate now come out contrived and stale. See, even now at this very moment when I’m writing about what a huge failure my life is, I’m at a loss for words. I haven’t started investing and yet, I would have lost money if I had invested in the European Property Securities fund that I picked out weeks ago to be a worthy investment. Isn’t that swell? I do have so much to be proud of. I’m such a failure I am even incapable of coming up with a new plan for the month since the old plan for July had to be scraped because of my BFF yesterday. That’s right, my BIG FAT FAILURE.
I now wonder about the upcoming days and how to fill them. There will be no such question if I wasn’t such a failure. I’m not only a failure; I’m also a coward and a procrastinator. I don’t even have enough drive to search for my deferment letter and find out just exactly when I have to serve the nation. I don’t even have to balls to want to know when I need to do that. Because the most frightening thing about it all is that when the time comes for me to serve the country sooner than I anticipated (due to a change of plans and the inability to carry out the plans I had for myself) and I haven’t finished college, it will all amount to nothing in the end and I really would be a bloody motherfucking failure. What will I have to show for? The trips I have taken? The people I have met? The lessons learnt? What will that get me? What can I exchange all that for? It will eventually catch up with me and right now, I’m such a coward I’m afraid I will drown when the tide rises. I have nothing that I can buoy with. Nothing I can steer with when the waves approach and when they proceed to swallow me.
I’m retreating back to the space in that particular moment in Amsterdam when on the caviar of psychedelic mushrooms; I wondered why we all work so hard for when we all amount to nothing when we leave this world. When every emotion felt and every amount of effort put into attainting something more and bigger and better, is ephemeral when you think about it. Because death is the inevitable outcome of this life; no matter your last name or the color of your skin or the size of your bank account or your intellectual capacity or the names in your little black book or the healthiness of your diet everyday. Because we can’t take anything with us when death knocks on that proverbial door. Because we all return to square one when we die. So why bother? Why even move on? Why even try eclipsing when you know it wouldn’t even matter when you’re gone? Why do spent hours fretting about how we look and how much we weigh even when we know we will eventually be nothing but nutrient for greens. Why do we care when people judge and point when in eventuality, it wouldn’t matter because we’ll all end up the same way. Why believe in love when it will hurt more when the people you love die? Why continue to clock in the hours living this life when we know we will never have all the answers to the questions we desperately seek for? Why why why?
Why you ask if, after writing all that down and still having to live, do I not simply kill myself? Well, I did tell you I was a coward and hence, that naturally comes with the territory but the bigger reason why I’m not hosting a pharm party or jumping off the apartment building is because I am a failure and I know, deep down; despite all my sentiments, that I will still fail at killing myself. Now what could be worst than that?
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