Infatuated

Music: On Call – Kings Of Leon

 I was infatuated last night. I found this Barney’s exclusive John Varvatos Converse sneakers that had my name written all over it. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It’s painted, high top with studs at the side of the laces and the back linings. I had to have them and I do now. I just got back from Barney’s and I got myself a pair. I’ve always been a fan of John Varvatos’ collaboration with Converse and this pair is just the reason why. It’s so me.

  I also got myself a Balenciaga shirt. I was thrilled at finding that at Barney’s. It was one of the shirts that I thought weren’t in my size when I was at the store the other day but I guess, I was meant to have it. I love clothes that run small because of my size and Balenciaga’s clothes run small and all I need to do when I head back to Singapore is to take it to my tailor for a little bit of nip and tuck and it’ll look awesome.

 I finally found a pair of black jeans the other day. They are Jett Black in fact and I had a discount code so it was perfect. It’s a J Brand straight leg pair and I got it along with this narrow fit Helmut Lang shirt. Notice the detail on the cuff. It’s got an elastic band instead of buttons. And I like how it’s a tad more obvious in this Navy shade as opposed to it in white.

 I’ll be spending my birthday flying across the pacific. So thanks much guys for all the wishes!

Sometimes

Music: UR – Alanis Morissette

 I’m back in Seattle. Arrived sometime yesterday afternoon and did my usual; hit the news stand and got the latest issues of the couple of publications that I read regularly. Headed straight down to the office from the airport to say Hi and Goodbye to Aaron who’ll be heading down to San Diego for Christmas and New Year’s and to hand him the insulated Royce chocolates he so loves. And of course, to collect the 7 or so packages with my name on them.

 It was on the flight to Hong Kong that that I realised that the left side of my tonsils are still inflamed. I had thought I fully recovered but I was so wrong. It’s such a bitch to swallow anything now. Anything except semen but I won’t be giving any blowjobs till I’m completely healed. So much for Christmas, huh boyz?

 I am writing this in bed wishing that there’s a pint or so of ice cream left in the freezer. I have a serious craving for ice cream and I am kicking myself for not getting any when I was at Safeway yesterday.

 I woke up today thinking about ice cream and financial care. I had dawned upon me that I have been taking care of myself financially since I was 16. I am putting myself through college, I’m making sure my younger siblings have enough to complete their education, I pay all my bills as soon I get them. I had always been taking care of things since I can remember and today, I found myself wishing that someone else’s responsibility would remain theirs and not mine. That I can live and drive towards filled bowls that will remain mine; all mine to consume. That someone else, for a change, will be looking out for me and making sure and ensuring and bearing all that I have been saddling on my shoulders these years.

 Of course, I’m terribly grateful for all that I have and I have more that what most people my age and even some twice my age do. But I sometimes hope for the inkling of being able to just do it all for me. The semblance of being carried and fathered; just for a little while.

 I’m not even bothered about the current possibility of me having to serve my compulsory military service sometime next year. I have applied for further deferment and made my case and whatever the outcome may be, I somehow know that it will be for the advancement of my life plans. I’m grasping on the fact that that barely anything is in my control and I’m surrendering it all to a higher power. And now that I think about it, it would mean being able to move to LA a year quicker! Time will tell.  

 Somehow I know that the more I give, the more I’ll would get back. There is abundance up the road ahead and I am barely just beginning.

Glow

Music: Rape Me – Nirvana

 Aaron was presented with 2 tickets to San Diego to thank him for the good work done and for going the extra mile. Aaron opened the envelope in front of me and the beam on his face to the slight flush of his cheeks were priceless. After receiving word that his road accident last week will cost $4000 to fix, which is twice the cost of his car. We were standing in the pantry during lunch discussing the various options he had. All he needs is a working car to get from home to work. It could be ugly and beaten up and he could care less. His wife has the nice Volvo and that would cover them during the weekends or when friends are in town. This couldn’t come at a better time.

 ”It’s like you try hard to save $5 here and $10 there week after week and month after month and then something like this happens and you realise that it’s all going to be wiped out with one purchase.” He lamented while waiting for his bread to toast.

 ”Yeah and it’s like you have margarine instead of butter!” I continued.

 ”Exactly!” He said.

 A few weeks ago, Aaron and I had this conversation about butter and margarine. He said he’s always preferred butter but margarine was cheaper so he’s having margarine with his daily lunch sandwich instead of butter. I asked if there was a wide difference between the prices of the two products. He said a tub of butter was about $3 plus or so and a tub of margarine was only 79 cents at Fred Mayer.

 That lead to think about 20-something guys. Men 2 years or so fresh out of college, scrimping and cutting back in order to be able to set aside portions of their pay cheque. The ones blessed with enough sense to save for a rainy day. The ones that take in account every meal eaten out, the ones that compare prices of toothpaste, the ones that pick margarine over butter. I thought about them and their lifestyles and then about the men I date. The financially stable ones with investments accounts, property, mileage status and spare change. And if I could actually be fulfilled with an individual that is taking baby steps towards securing his financial future. Anyone who thinks money doesn’t play a role in the equation is delusional; unless there is a trust fund guaranteeing and providing the possibility to do whatever one pleases in one’s name. Everything in general society is fueled by the desire for more. Which is why people get educated in the first place; so they don’t find themselves working for minimal wage the rest of their lives. One cannot live on love alone. I’m not talking about excess; I’m talking about having enough so that it’s not the one thing that is causing sleepless nights or the factor that hinders the paths (be it professionally, emotionally, religiously etc) one so desires to walk. It’s as simple as that.

 At the end of the day, despite my being used to a certain way of life, if I met someone like Aaron; someone kind, grounded, spontaneous, witty, oblivious to how physically attractive he is, loyal with intrinsic values, someone worth the compromises and sacrifices, then yes, I would be able to dive in with both feet.

 I’m glad the tickets for him and his wife made him feel that things were starting to look up. I guess I should stop feeling this beaten down by the events that have taken place in the course of the last 2 months. After all, shit happens to everyone; even good people.

 I was replying to an email today after my shower when I noticed that my arm was glistering. At first I thought I had brushed onto some glittery surface or something but that was impossible because I was writing in bed the whole time. I then realised that my whole body was glistering. My arms to my legs to my belly were filled with tiny specks of sparkling bits from the Olay Body Wash plus Radiance Ribbons! I discovered this product through a commercial while watching Jay Leno in San Diego and I’ve bought it a couple of times; only because I liked the idea that it could make my skin glow and sparkle. I’ve always thought it was just pure marketing bullshit but that didn’t stop me from buying it at the store 2 days ago. Jim and I went to the store and I had told him that we were out of shower gel and he immediately took the green bottle (Olay has a couple of other variations of this range of shower gel). I asked how he knew which one I wanted. He said I was a ‘total consumer’ and it was pretty obvious. If I like something, I stick to it till I find something better.

 I guess I never really noticed my skin the previous times I have used this shower gel but I’m completely sold! I’m going to buy a few bottles this weekend at the store before I leave since it’s not available in Singapore. It was completely distracting, I was having a conversation over dinner and I couldn’t stop staring at my sparkly arms. Even Jim was amazed at how his hairy arms shimmered!

 It contains glucosamine complex formulated with N-acetyl glucosamine and luminous brighteners. Interference pigments found in the formula help improve the skin’s ability to reflect light for glowing, great looking skin. So if you want a shower gel that will make you scientifically more lustrous and effulgent, do check this one out!

  

Breakneck

Music: Hands – Jewel

 I received an invitation to the Ralph Lauren private sale today in the mail. Guess I’ve spend enough money at Ralph Lauren this year to warrant an invite. It would be a fun thing to go check out; the only thing is there are no Ralph Lauren stores in Seattle. At least not a flagship one. I can’t wait to move to Los Angeles. The invite also came with a 40% discount code that I could use at the online store. It’s time to go plan my Christmas list and do my Christmas shopping. I won’t have the time otherwise to do it.

 My messy but planned schedule has yet again been disrupted. I got word that my paper has been postponed for 14 days and now I’m desperately scrambling to piece everything I need to accomplish by year end into a breakneck span of 3 weels. Squeeze lessons, tests, papers, appointments, a trip to Bangkok, Christmas shopping and a trip back to Seattle late December. Bill asked me over dinner if I was staying in Seattle a little while longer since I now could. I told him I wasn’t and he expressed his disappointment. I’m looking forward to be back in Singapore, I’ve haven’t been around much these past 2 years and it’s funny how everyone treats me like I’m just visiting everytime I’m back in the island.

 I am counting down the days till this nightmare is over. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just me and that I’m bound to always have to walk the difficult road. It does seem like everytime I get something done and over with, something else blows up in my face and I’m on the floor struggling with damage control. I want to be out of this tunnel pronto. I want to be able to sleep again. I want to have something to live for; albeit however overrated it may be.

 It’s time to go make ginger cosmos; I could really use a drink or two or more.

Dollars & Zen

Music: Money – Pink Floyd 

 I am a little pissed at myself for ignoring that little familiar voice once again. That tiny voice of reasoning and prudence that pops up more than occasionally when I am in the midst of making a decision. I chose to heed the advice of my financial relations manager instead of that oh-so-familiar voice a couple of weeks ago when faced with the decision of pumping more money into my Chinese Equity Fund. She said to wait as the price was a little too high. I’ve never been a fan of waiting. If I want something, I want it now and I’ll do everything in my power to make sure of that. That little voice was telling me to just pump in more and let it rise more and sleep better knowing I’m making a bit more money. I shut out the voice and I made the decision to wait. Guess what? Now the fund has risen more than 20%! On one hand, this means great news because that means my investments are paying off and on the other, it just means I could have made more! This is what I get for not listening to my gut. Lesson learned. Arg.

 The US dollar is plummeting. It’s such a shame since I get cheques in USD. We went out for dinner last night and I picked the tab and paid in cash. I don’t do that much; pay in cash. But the USD is so low, it just makes much more sense. Even my favourite supermodel is insisting she gets paid in currencies other that the USD. Gisele Bundchen has demanded to be paid in Euros for her new Pantene contract. Smart girl.

 I just hope by the time I need to convert my green cash into Singapore dollars, the USD would have risen to a more acceptable level. If not, I’ll probably find myself stashing my USDs under my mattress waiting for a more bullish rate. How immigrant of me, I know.

 With all that is happening with the market right now, I’m so glad I have newly taught patience. If there’s one thing this relationship has imparted to me, it’s patience. I’m so much more patient now, it’s commendable. So check my zen-ness out!

The Hives

Music: No Pun Intended – The Hives

 The Hives finally came on stage after a 2.5 hour wait. They were fun, loud, tight, impressive and they were just as I had imagined them to be and more. It was a fantastic show. But it wasn’t worth standing and waiting for 2.5 hours. I don’t see why they can’t just publish the actual time they want to start playing. After finishing their keg of beer, their specially distilled water, their organic rice crackers and an orgasm or whatever rock stars demand for and do. I don’t mind waiting for 30 mins and an hour tops but 2.5 hours is just ridiculous.

  I got a tee and a receipt for the new album that will drop in stores on the 13th. The album came along with a poster that the band will sign after the show. I was standing in line, waiting to get my poster autographed. 10 mins passed, then another 10 mins went by. Jim went out of the line to stretch and got to talking to one of the bouncers. He was told that the band will take longer than what everyone’s expecting. They’re backstage showering, drinking beers and chilling out. They’ll only come out when they’re ready to. I said fuck it and we left. I should have passed my poster on to someone else would would wait for them or someone who wanted their scribbles more than I did.

 They’re one of my favourite bands and I’ve been a fan of theirs since their indie days. But I think they need to treat their fans better. After all, it’s the fans who make garage musicians rock stars and garner cute, adorable lead singers cult status. So what gives?  

Trick Or Treat

Music: Walking With A Ghost – Tegan & Sara

  17 kids showed up at the door for Trick or Treating tonight. I did a great job with my pumpkin. It had a straight symmetric arrow-pointing-up nose and looked menacing enough. If I were to come back in my next life, I want to come back being equipped to be a top-notch plastic surgeon or a dermatologist. I know I will make a kick-ass dermatologist. But I digress. We were very generous with the candy and exhausted 5 bags of them. We had the good candy and variety too. I felt bad for the 3 little Batmans that showed up at the door and answered a ”YES!” in unison when I asked them if they’ve knocked on many other doors before ours. They only had 4 tiny pieces of breath mints to show for. So I grabbed two handfuls of candy for each boy from my Halloween bowl and felt great when I saw their beaming faces. I guess they were lucky that I am used to handling big things and so 2 full handfuls of candy amounted to a pretty big haul.   

 There’s a possibility I might need to shelf my year-end holidays plans to Australia and New Zealand and postpone them to make way for a trip back to The States. I need to make sure that all the EQM (Elite Qualifying Miles) I have acquired these past 6 months or so do not come to naught end of this calendar year. The Elite mileage slate for promotion to a higher Elite level will be wiped off clean come January and I refuse to let that happen without being promoted to the highest possible level. I’m just a couple of thousand of miles off. A trip back to The States will do the trick. I know the opportunity scale is weighing in favour of spending Christmas in New Zealand, my birthday and New Year’s in Sydney and Melbourne instead of the said three events in an undecided state in America. But I also know that I will welcome the new year feeling good about reaching the top of the mileage ladder in 6 months which in turn would make flying in 2008 even more nifty!

 I was feeling kinda down about the physical state I am currently in and so I decided to let my fingers do a bit of shopping. I stumbled on this YSL Muse bracelet and it was in my shopping cart 3 seconds later. Now, I don’t wear jewellery and am not a big accessories type-of-guy. A watch is my usual choice of armour. This is an exception given the fact that this classic bracelet is adjustable which means the flexibility to wear it anyway and anywhere I want. And I have just the shirts to pair it with. For some reason, my order couldn’t be processed. It turns out that it was out of stock. Thankfully, I had 2 items in my shopping cart. The bracelet and the YSL Muse Credit Card Case in Metallic Silver. I’ve been meaning to get a credit card case for the jeans that have pockets that run a little too small for my everyday wallet. Perfect timing. I also received an email informing me that my 20% discount code for an online store I frequent occasionally will expire after midnight today. I wasn’t even aware I had a 20% discount code! That just opened up an incentive to purchase another pair of  jeans. Really perfect timing, I say.

  Coupled with the sleepless nights, the incessant thoughts that bug me throughout the entire day and Xanax not working as well as it used to, I’m in need for some bigger treats. Where’s the candy-man when you need him? 

Thief

Music: Head Like A Hole – Nine Inch Nails

 I was doing some general surveying on this little space of mine when I realised that this person; jennifersaylor, is claiming credit for the latest blog entry that I just wrote a few hours ago.

 I don’t know what site this is: http://halloween.xx7h.com/2007/10/28/take-your-ring-off/#comment-3 but it looks like a daily collection of posts gathered from various sources. According to the website, jennifersaylor wrote the entry, Take Your Ring Off and when you click on her name, it directs you to this blog. I don’t know what the story is. But I know she sure as hell didn’t write that.

  Some bitch is claiming credit for my writing; I must be doing something right.

Take Your Ring Off

Music: Beat Your Heart Out – The Distillers

 Brian’s in town. The incredibly sexy, gorgeous, heterosexual, married father of 3 who became a work colleague and a fast friend with Jim in Cologne 10 years or so ago. I met Brian last December in Cologne and I don’t think I made much of an impression. I was a little under the weather and didn’t have much to say while Brian; being the great Chatty-Betty he is, talked for most of the evening. Here it was: This intelligent, attractive, effectively bilingual individual who talked as much as I do on a good day; stuck in a frustrating, pressure-cooker of a marriage with a bitch of a wife who is detested by her in-laws. Apparently she didn’t start out a bitch. She was the usual German socialite with a huge trust fund; with charming, interesting parents. But everything flew out the window the second she got pregnant. Brian found himself stuck between a rock and a hard place. This catch 22 of a life and you would think someone would wise up and avoid sinking deeper into the quicksand. Not him, instead, he ended up with 2 more kids, effectively eliminating all possibly hopes of ever seeing his kids again if he were to ever ask for a divorce. A wealthy socialite with influential parents will drag the divorce proceedings to no end which will eventually render his finances bone-dry. Not a smart solution which explains why he’s still married to her. He handed us a joint after that evening. It made me crack up. There’s nothing like plain old fashioned great Maryjane to help with your troubles.

 What ever happened to good ole birth control? Has it become obsolete? It really is quite effective in preventing you from being corned in a situation where you might have to pay for that one orgasm the rest of your life. How worth it is that? So really, birth control anyone?

  If Brian comes over to the house for dinner tonight, I know I’ll be constantly looking his way. And drinking lots, of course. It’s not everyday that you have someone who makes your heart skip a beat. There are the attractive guys with top-notch personal and professional resumes and then there are the guys that make your heart skip a beat. It does help a little that all 4 of us in the house would probably not think twice about doing him. I know I would do him. Over and over again. After he takes off his ring. He did experiment once in college; he said it wasn’t good and it made him think that sleeping with men wasn’t his cup of tea. It’s such a complete waste that he had a bad first time. But I know I can totally show him how’s it’s really done. If only he knew he was such a cock tease (which makes him so much more attractive because he’s completely oblivious to just how delicious he is), I bet he would realise he could get so much more out of life.

 Gotta carve the pumpkins later today. Halloween this year should be fun.

Consume

Music: Shake It – Metro Station

 I absolutely love online shopping in America. Actually, shopping in general in America is pretty darn great. I sidetracked from all the denim viewing and was looking at a pretty cool tee from Saint Augustine Academy that unfortunately didn’t have my size in stock. I was about to leave the page when a small window appeared asking if I needed help with sizing. The next thing I knew, I was chatting live with a customer service representative who proceeded to inform me that that particular tee ran small and I could return it in 30 days if it didn’t fit. I knew it wasn’t going to fit but it was still valuable information because I ended up purchasing a Comme Des Garcons shirt that I could return or change for a another size if it didn’t fit. I was impressed.

 The other thing I love about shopping in America, is the amazing return/exchange policy. Walk into most any major stores and if the shirt or pants or shoes that you bought 7 months ago didn’t fit and if you lost the receipt, you can still get your money back or get a new size. I understand that America has a large enough economy to fully support that. Not every economy can afford to sustain such policies. But such exchange policies would guarantee brand/store loyalty that would lead to profit and growth despite of all the exchanges; however honest or shady they may be. You can even return your finished meal and bitch about the lack of flavour or heat and you will probably get that meal on the house. Of course, it reflects on you as individual but the fact that you can actually do that says alot about this wonderful service-oriented business mindset.

 I was going about my hunt for the perfect rockin pair of black jeans and I realised just how sparse the availability of black premium denim. The ones that I found were either too loud or too big or just bargain bin fodder. I did eventually find a pair of Citizens of Humanity Straight Leg Oslo Black ones that are sitting in my online cart. I’m not sure if I really want them as much as the idea of a pair of black jeans. I’m still waiting to see what else I can unearth in the next few hours here in the office; in the comforts of my own booth.

 That’s the thing I love about online shopping. You can buy your next pair of overpriced jeans wherever you may be. Even when you’re doing a Number 2.

The Appeal From Far

Music: Heart Of Glass – Blondie

 I got 2 pumpkins today at the supermarket. Spent 15 minutes picking out the roundest, smoothest, un-blemished two. They shall be carved for Halloween and displayed on the front lawn and porch. After candy-shopping, cellophane paper and candles, the house will be ready for trick or treating when the day/night arrives. We talked about costumes over dinner. Ideas were tossed around; Peter Pan, Captain Hook, Ghouls etc. The usual cliches. Then Jeremy made some snide comment to Bill about going as a suicide bomber. I burst out laughing and said I would go as one too. But I’ll go costumed in a burka with fake dynamite and explosives strapped to my fake breasts. Jim and Bill roared as they heard this and it was then decided that if we were to dress up, we would go as a posse of covered-up, sexually ambiguous suicide bombers. I wish I hadn’t left my camera in Singapore.

  I haven’t had much of an appetite lately. I guess the point when you stop giving a damn about holding yourself back is the juncture when you realise that it’s not so appealing after all once you get there.

 There are frozen yogurt stores popping up everywhere. I’ve always wanted my own frozen yogurt machine either on my tour-bus or in my wired, designer kitchen. A store would be totally feasible too. I would cater to salon tanning-yoga loving-catalog shopping-resort hopping individuals who lunch. The suckers like me who would spend $14 everyday on frozen yogurt. I reckon that would be a fun way to make a decent chunk of change.   

I And

Music: Super Massive Black Hole – Muse 

 I’ve been breeding so much negativity these days that it’s hard to know the difference. I have a problem with everything. From the way I look, to my thick puffy head of hair, to the weather, to the people I live with, to the people I work with, to the immigrants I seem to see everywhere I go, to their accents and the way words spew from their mouths, to the person I am and the individual I drag out of bed every morning. I’ve started to question the value of things that I used to hold so dear. Now everything pales in comparison to just the chance of going back to college and completing my education. This is what my life is on the line for; I need to pass this one module. I’m terribly afraid of what the outcome might be. Fearful of the letter that will spell out the next step in my life. I have to believe that I will pass and make it but there are always doubts. I’m frightened of the alternative because I don’t know if it will be worth continuing this life for.

 I’ve never expected myself to be at this juncture. I’ve always mocked the ones who end their lives; the ones who throw the future out because of a stalwart in their present. I now understand why they did what they did. They didn’t have anything else to live for. Everything amounts to nothing the moment you die; it might as well be now. I’m freaking out at the thought of not making through this because I don’t know just what I would do. I know the helplessness will devour me and I will implode from the thought of how the future might be. I know I don’t have the balls to kill myself and I’m tired of dragging myself around day after day. I’m swinging on this pendulum; back and forth between this rock and this hard place. I’m on an airplane and I secretly wish that it would crash and my death would be instant. Then I take that back because the other passengers still have lives they want to live and a plane crash with just me dying wouldn’t be too realistic. If I did leave this world pre-maturely, I want to leave this world without anyone else getting hurt. Going in my sleep would be the best thing. I go to bed most night these days and I think about not having to worry about waking up.

 I see the person I am becoming now and it tears me up. I have become so anti-social that I wouldn’t speak to anyone unless I really needed to. I don’t want to know anyone new unless they would be the one I would spent a huge chunk of my life with; which of course, is never the case. I dread going through the cycle of living. I smile to mask the thought of killing myself. I don’t get excited by anything. I share my life with apathy and nothing matters anymore. I still think about the future though. I think about how I need to get my hair cut before Saturday’s pool party, I think about spending my life with someone my heart beat faster for, I think about the clothes to give away to make room for the new ones I will acquire, I go to the gym at least 5 times a week so I can look better in those new clothes, I think about the conversations I will have with my closest friends and family, I think about the life I want right now in LA. I think of these and then when I catch myself indulging, I stop and I pray. I pray to just pass this one module. Because I don’t know how to go on or why I should go on if I don’t.

 I wonder just how innately this unwillingness to live has seeped. I wonder how one’s every accomplishment could possibly mean anything at the time of death. I wonder about how grossly unfair it is that no one gets the chance to say no to having a life but when you have one; you’re supposed to live it the best you can, they always say. Screw that cliché adage, 80% of the people who tell you to live your life the best you can, never do so themselves anyway. So what happens if you didn’t ask for this life and the drive and route it entails? What do you do when you’re given one to live? What do you do when you’ve never ever wanted to make fucking lemonades out of the rotten lemons you’ve been handed?

 I wonder and I wonder. I wonder why in spite of all the swirls that come and go in my head daily, words still can’t flow like they used to. I feel bone-dry; emotionally and intellectually. I stare at the flicker of this word box and I wish that the reason to keep writing would be a simple one; because I can and because I love it. 

  Now, if only the reason for living was just as simple.

Quick

Music: Luminol – Ryan Adams

I need to define myself. I need to stop living within these walls of structured what-ifs. I need to decide if I still want to live because it’s either I live and live the best fucking possible way or I don’t. I need to stop sinking in quicksand pools in the middle of fences that will get me nowhere.

If I live, and I happen to fail and fall off this swinging pendulum, I need to pick myself up and move on to Plan B. I need to keep sowing and keep trotting on.

If I choose to end this, it’ll be at no expense or inconvenience to the people I love. It would be quick and swift and so long to this overrated thing called life.

So decide and decide soon. Start swimming or start sinking. Pronto.

I Rather Use My Hands

Music: Message In A Bottle – The Police

I don’t understand the notion behind dishwashers. I’ve tried and tried but I just don’t. If you are supposed to rinse each dish before loading them into the dishwasher, why not just simply soap and lather the dishes up while you’re in the midst of rinsing them under warm water? Why spend all the effort rinsing dishes after dinner and loading them in only to have to bend down and unload and put those dishes away? That’s not the worst thing; the worst thing is after all that amount of time and energy spent in going through the rigmarole of dealing with a dishwasher after a meal is realizing that the dishes you expect to be clean after that much arduous labor still have specks of grilled burger patty and brown rice stuck on them and in between them. You would expect a reasonable reaping of your trouble and clean dishes is certainly reasonable but no, dishes that still have leftovers stuck on them need to be washed again.

This means that they take up the space that other plates and cutlery would have if only they have been clean; and that leads to a pile up of dishes in the sink which contributes to the big waste of electricity and water. You never have to wash a plate or a fork a second time if you’re washing it by hand because you will ensure that whatever you’re washing is washed clean. It is just so unproductive and not to mention, unrewarding when you are swearing and rinsing semi-clean dishes for the second time. I can think of so many other more satisfying things I can do with the time I would have saved if I had washed my dishes by hand. I could masturbate for example. I just think it is effort that isn’t warranted.

I’ve been rinsing and loading and unloading the dishwasher and putting dishes away everyday now for the past week. I do that every time I’m in America; because my dear friends don’t believe in washing dishes after they’re done with a meal. Instead, they wished they had a second dishwasher. And as a result, they don’t have the necessary tools to properly wash a mixing bowl by hand. I’ve tried to understand this so-called convenience they preach every time I express my annoyance with their machinery that hums and squirts but I’ve not been proven wrong before.

I just think it’s a ploy by corporate America to instill just another need that every household must have. Because money can be made and given time when individuals get used to a certain routine; albeit how much more effectual the alternative is, what started off as a want would end up a need. What I need tomorrow is a pair of gloves and a 3M scrub sponge. I’ve got a pair of good hands and I intend to use them.

 Keeping this in mind, ‘Do you believe in dishwashers?’ would be a question I would ask the next time I’m on a date. No, would be the answer I want and if everything else is right, could signal potential. After all, I know I would want a man who enjoys using his hands too.

Humble Pie

Music: Putting The Damage On – Tori Amos 

I’ve been humbled and forced into a box with virtually no peep hole for air or light. I know I can’t do this alone and I’m relinquishing the stubborn strings that come with the territory of assuming that things and events, in all their infinity, are in my control. I know that now and I know that this is only the initial portion of my newly baked pie.

I got to thinking about the past and the errors I have made, the holes I have dug, the feelings and emotions that didn’t belong to me that I have tossed aside. I know I’ve got amends to make and people to reach out to. I need to know, for all that it’s worth that I tried my darnest. I thought about reaping what I sow and I wonder if all this that I’m going through is somehow payback for the dirt that I’ve dished and the doors I have slammed. That this karmic train is coming around the same track it went round. And this is the carriage it brings along with it. This is the way I was chosen to be punished.

I thought about Mark. This wonderful, sensitive, kind individual who I knew truly and really loved me. I thought about all he did for me and the dishonesty I dealt him and it stopped me cold in my path. He said in an email dated more than a year ago which I never replied to that he could never forgive me because he could never forgive what he didn’t understand and he will never understand why I did what I did to him. It’s been almost 1.5 years now and I think its time to ask for 10 minutes of his day (not because what we shared was worth only 10 minutes of a 24hrs day but because it a reasonable amount of time to ask someone who 1.5 yrs ago said he can’t forgive you) to ask for him to try/consider the possibility of forgiving me. I need to know that I’ve polished all the floors in my court.

I thought about wonderful friendships lost somewhere along the line. Maybe they weren’t so wonderful after all if I lost them down the slippery, hazy path. But those were good times in my life and I only realised the extent to which I need to try one last time (because believe me, I’ve tried). So many things left unspoken, so many mysteries that hang around in my head. So here’s to old time’s sake.

I hope by making amends, it will somehow lighten this karma payback. I wish not to be punished this way but it seems my whole life right now is waiting for this one outcome. So please I pray, know that I’m truly sorry.