And The Point Is?

Relationships and what they bring with them. It was a general shock/surprise reaction that I got from most everyone. When I answered the question,’You must love him then.’ with a ‘No, I’m not in love with him.’ It’s funny how it’s never crossed my mind. Love with Daddy Long-legs(DLL). Love. This illusive state that we all crave. To be yummy and healthy with another individual. An ex-stranger. After all, all your partners were strangers before you met them. It got me thinking. When two people decide to enter a relationship, responsibilities merge and briefcases of schedules and chores serge to better suit their new found partnership. During all the conversion and the converging, we often find ourselves doing things for two. Working overtime to ensure that this investment we made would pay off in the terms that we want. Doing for two. Feeling for two. Living for two. But then, at which point in the equation do we decide to put ourselves on hold to work on this space for two? And in a healthy relationship, is there even a need to do that?

   The point of entering a relationship, is love all that we seek? If love can be cultivated, can it be through distance and time spent apart? Is there a need for a physical aspect to love, I wonder. Can love be measured in such terms? Daddy Long-legs called me twice this afternoon. It was the usual daily updates on happening and plans for the day. I held back during these two conversations. I held back the expressing of and the terms of endearments that we both grant upon each other. I held back because Ethan was there. I knew it was going to sting when he heard it. And I felt this conflicting pull. I desperately needed a nap and I tried to take one but my mind kept drifting off to DLL and what he might have thought. I decided to call him. There was the mutual exchange of ’sexies’ and then it happened again, the phone call. From Diseased T. This attached hooker cum perpetual student who never fails to call your boyfriend up in the wee hours of the night even though he’s got one of his own. And oh, he’s got a fodder of sob stories for gullible foreigners who are stupid enough to loan him money. You’ll never hear from him again, of course.

It then dawned upon me, that I’ll never know what goes on in the apartment. That I’ll never know if my spot on his bed would be temporary taken up in my absence. It made me question just how much I wanted to go through with this. DLL called me later on my way to dinner and explained his break down in communications with regards to the dinner reservation at the Steakhouse. I had a feeling something was going on. The first thing I thought was that Diseased T was going to pay a visit. It affected me. I wanted no part of this bed for 3. That was my spot and I would never settle for anything less. I told him to call before he went to bed and the phone call came 3 hours later. He sounded tired, stressed, usual. I needed to know and I brought it up, I asked, ‘Is there anything you need to tell me?’ His reply was a strong ‘No’. Almost as if he wanted me to hear his conviction that he wasn’t hiding anything. It was just tiredness.
  
   That got me thinking. The point of it all. Why DLL and I are even doing this in the first place. I still remember the statement that he made, that he build a wall around him. That it takes a lot for him to love someone. As it does me. But I can’t be with him if he’s going to put a cap on his emotions. I refuse to stop my flow. If I give of my love, it’s for him to keep. But I want it back. I want the giving of his love. That maybe I’ll be in a better platform with a better view to see where this is going in time. That perhaps the point of every relationship, is the development of patience and the ease of giving and the mutual sharing of your daily living and perhaps, in the course of doing all that, love; love will seep in in then. When you least expect it. From both participants in the union.

  After all, isn’t the best kind of love reciprocated love?