Don’t Think So

Music: 1979 – Smashing Pumpkins

 My grandmother passed away last weekend. I got back to Singapore on Monday night and I have been dealing with school, the funerals, reports, laboratory sessions; all while trying to catch some decent sleep (to no avail). I am just exhausted and basically, unable to do much beyond my daily routine and even that is a bitch most days.

 I always knew my mother came from a big family but I didn’t know how big it was till I saw the number stats on the wake booklet. My mother has 16 siblings, 13 brothers and sisters-in-law, and I have 31 cousins. Throw in 1 grand niece and another 1 on the its way. I just started thinking about the number and realised something was wrong. I can’t be the only one in the family with homosexual linings and tendencies. According to Kinsey’s sex survey (although its accuracy has been discredited in the course of time), one out of every 10 individual is gay. So according to the survey then, I should have 5 other gay family members but I’m betting it’s a smaller, more realistic number, say 2. I’ve never thought about it till yesterday. I’ve got to keep my eyes peeled more in the future; I might just have more in common with some people I only see once a year than I ever thought I would. I hope my hot cousin bats for my team. The last time I saw him, I remember him being boyish good-looking, jocky, smart, and so polite. A catch. Much fun.

 The US dollar has sunk to a new low today and it’s making me upset and a little depressed. I know things will pick up eventually. But now is now and it’s my whole current reality. And sometimes, I rather not have one at all.

Hush

Music: Untitled 3 – Sigur Ros

 I am tired. I don’t even think I slept last night. I know I went to bed at 3am, tossed and adjusted the pillows a couple of times and before I knew it it was 1.10pm. All while hearing the next door neighbour’s screaming orgasm yelps. Correction, the next door neighbour’s street whore or wherever he picked her up. She screamed from 2.30am to 4am, then from 4am to 6am and then at 12.30pm, she started screaming again. That was not all, throw in furniture slamming and incessant laughter and you get the fucking soundtrack that kept me up last night.

 The thing is, this is not the first time. It happened the past 2 times I was here. It goes on and on and louder and louder. I’m not jealous that someone is having more sex that I am. Right now, at this point in my life, I want sleep more than I want sex. I can have sex anytime I want but what I can’t have on demand, instantly, is sleep. I almost got to the point; the point of sleep where you finally tip and drift off and don’t realise you actually fell asleep until you wake the next morning when she started screaming.

 I’m all for having sex; hell, I think the more sex people have, the better the world will be. So many people that need to get laid. But when it interrupts my sleep, that is the line crossed. Especially when I can’t beat it and certainly, don’t want to join in. I see flyers notifying residents that throwing cigarettes butts from their respective balconies disrupt the general cleanliness of the estate, flyers informing residents to only wait in the waiting area so as not to hold up incoming traffic, flyers urging residents to be a little more thoughtful of their fellow neighbours. Their fellow friendly neighbours. Maybe I should go do a flyer encouraging that boom-box whore to use her bedroom voice along with her client’s unit number. That should get someone’s attention.   

 Maybe my internal sleeping mechanism is faulty from the years in high school where I fought sleep to work out and have transatlantic relationships. I barely slept during my puberty years and I always felt tired and exhausted and slept felt so good. If there’s one thing I regret, it would be that I didn’t sleep more. If I have slept more, I would probably have been physically bigger and taller which is something I think about sometimes and my autonomic hibernating system would probably be less fucked up than it is now. 

Oh, to go back to that time when I could just fall asleep, just like that. I got to thinking that maybe I ought to buy a new bed. Something I can sink into. But then I would have to need to make space in my room for a bigger one. Just one more thing to think about.

 For now, there is science and little pills….

  

Onwards

Music: So Pure – Alanis Morissette

 Things are finally falling into place. I got my deferment and I was made to sign an underlying contract stating that I shouldn’t and wouldn’t apply for deferment after this is done. I don’t have a problem with that anyway; I have no intention of dragging this all any further so it all worked out. There is just one more thing I have to deal with and then I can finally heave a sigh of relief. Just a little while more before I can celebrate and pop some champagne.

 I’ve had a crush on John Cusack since I was 13. He’s so handsome with such kind eyes. He’s got a face I can spent years studying. I just watched Martian Child and there was a line in the movie when he said, “I deserve you, I really do.” If he ever said something like that to me, oh, one can only wish. I have a feeling I’ll meet him one day, I’m sure the people I know in LA know people who know people who know him. I’m sure he’s straight as an arrow but he embodies the physical aspects and the charismatic draw of someone I can grow old with…

 I just realised that I have been chowing down on expired protein bars the past 4 days. I have an oatmeal raisin one when I get out of bed everyday and I was doing the same thing today; just chewing and thinking and staring into space when I started reading the label. I did a double take when I saw the best-by date: 08/21/07. It expired on 21 August 2007. It took me half a second to register that fact that it was 2008 now. That certainly explains why I have been constipated the past 3 days.

 At least I realised it before I finished the whole box. I guess, like most things in my life, it’s better to reach the point of finally later and be able to move forward than to not get there at all.

 And oh, I’m pissed off at WordPress. I saved an entry to go edit some features for a couple of minutes and when I started looking for my entry, it was nowhere to be found. I have to redo the entry and I hate doing so. It’s just a bloody waste of time.  

For Myself

Music: C’mon – Go Betty Go

 I woke up today and did my usual email round when I found out that I got a year’s subscription of GQ as a Valentine’s Day gift. I thought that was very thoughtful and sweet. And it was just lying in my junk mail folder and it was a good thing I scan through that everyday. Valentine’s Day means nothing to me; it’s just another excuse to inflate the prices of flowers and mediocre food. Two things I don’t care for. It’s the little acts of patience and kindness you give and show everyday that counts at the end of the road. Everyday should be a special cause for celebration, if you ask me.

 And in my world, a cause for celebrations means buying shoes. I was kicking myself a little sporadically whenever I thought about this pair of Dolce & Gabanna Black Python Loafers.

I should have gotten them; they would completely come in handy for casual summer days. Which is, most of the year, in Singapore. I slept on it and then, my size was gone the next day. Such a bummer.

 I was just surfing and thinking of said python loafers when I caught sight of this exquisite pair of black leather oxfords. This chic pair of oxfords by Christian Dior; with cut out square designs and a cool two hole lace up vamp. It is so me and I had in mind to get a pair of black oxfords and I found it! I immediately added it to my cart and bought it. I’m really looking forward to wearing my new Dior. Say Hello.

 So this is my present to myself. I don’t believe in Valentine’s Day but I do believe in buying presents for myself. Just because.

Just A Number

Music: The Damage In Your Heart – Weezer

 There’s this huge lack of motivation these days to do anything save sleep, eat and buy shoes. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. I’m making it a point to get up at a pretty decent time in the morning everyday so it means setting up alarm up and getting up everyday at the same time; no matter how late I slept the previous night. That should get my body clock back in order.

 Went out for drinks with Dave’s young boys on Saturday night. I had to do a bit of baby-sitting which is something new to me. But it was alright. It was interesting to see it all through someone who is just starting to come out, this otherwise old, tired cliche routine. So one of Dave’s boys brought along a friend and turns out, said friend had a thing for me. He’s this college boy who likes younger guys and likes taking care of them. He asked his friend for my number and he wanted to ask me out and take care of me. Which I found extremely amusing. Because he called me and in the midst of the small talk, he asked if I could call him back using a land line and I said I didn’t have one (although I do; my cordless phone is just a tad faulty) but I could call him back if he was worried about paying for a few outgoing minutes. He said no and it was because he wanted to take care of me so we continued talking for a couple of minutes and then it came; he asked if I could call him. I said sure (I was just trying to be nice). So I called him and he asked me out this weekend and I told I couldn’t make it. He asked if I would be attracted to him if I was single, I told him I wouldn’t be. Which disappointed him but oh well.

 In an earlier conversation, he said something like he thinks I’m still immature which made me chuckle because no one has ever; in my existance, used that word on me. I just listened and he says he’s so much more mature than me because he has slept with chicks or something. Which puts him in a better position to take care of him which is what he would like to do. How can you possibly take care of me if you can’t even pay your phone bills? How can you possibly think you’re matured than me just because you’ve gone to third base with teenage girls? How can you think you’ve seen more than I have when you’ve barely ventured out of the country? What a joke.

 I got a really old-school text message the other day from his other guy who tried to pick me up on Saturday night. It was this generic text message filled with semi-colons and commas constructing a pig or some animal. I’ve never been a fan of such stupid, chain messages but I haven’t received one in years so it was a surprise. Albeit, a bad one.

 Such irony; you get boys thinking they’re men and men wanting to be boys again…

It’s Like

Music: Yellow Submarine – The Beatles

 I lost $115 or so this past 3 days on card games. It’s really not my year to gamble, I think. I also just counted my haul for this year. And excluding my sister’s cheque, it’s not even enough to fully pay for the upcoming bills. So I’ll still need to make a trip to the ATM.

  It’s like: Dry Cleaning Tab – $36

                 Clothes Alteration – $100

                 Broadband Bill – $73

                 Cab Fare Tomorrow – $40

                Watching Project Runway; eating cuttlefish and drinking Choya in my boxers – Priceless

 For everything else, there’s always your older, foreign boyfriend.  

Here’s To

Music: M1 A1 – Gorillaz

 Met Dave and Kris for drinks last night; where we heard more about Kris’ escapades the past 1.5 weeks ago. Mike came strolling in and the 4 of us started hanging out and it was fun. Turns out these 3 guys have more than one thing and one individual they know in common. It just further proves how terribly small this whole covey is. It’s one thing I detest about it all; this tiny, recycled meat circle. It’s like so is this it?

 I came home after having supper with Kris and Mike and realised I dropped a 50 dollar note somewhere and I hate it when I do shit like that. It’s only 50 bucks but it’s still sheer carelessness and I don’t seem to learn but this time I will. I just hope someone who needs it more than I do picks it up.

 I got an electric shaver this afternoon and it’s goodbye to cautiously trying to not cut myself as I shave. It’s annoying and I barely have anything to shave but I do need to so this would be less tedious. Met Kris for sushi after 4 hours of sleep and this other friend of his. We checked out this new sushi joint; maybe it wasn’t new but to me it was. I gave the server my card to charge lunch on it because I didn’t want Kris to pay for lunch and I paid for 3 movie tickets after for Away From Her. Kris, of course, said thank you and was grateful and I told him it was nothing. I had such a smashing time in LA last year and it was mostly because of Kris. Kris’ friend, on the other hand, didn’t utter a single thank you the whole afternoon. It was just like he was expecting it to be paid for. I didn’t even think about it till I was alone this afternoon when I realised that. I just think it’s strange and so impolite.

 Another thing that annoyed me today was how I couldn’t use my Starbucks stored value card I got for Christmas here in Singapore. I could use it anywhere in the US and probably other parts of the world but I just don’t get why I can’t use it here. You would think, Singapore would be a place where you could use your Christmas present. Oh well.  

 I got back part of the 50 bucks I lost last night from playing cards tonight. I hope this is a good sign for more to come. For bigger things and for resolution for the things that dampen my day and keep me up at night. I just can’t simply wait to get over this whole period. Here’s to more! So much more!

Growing Pains

Music: Fight Test – The Flaming Lips

 I just got back home from Dave’s house party in honour of Kris’ arrival from LA. It was a pretty great party where alcohol and conversations flowed freely. I got to Dave’s 20 minutes late; thinking I’ll be the last one there. Turns out, there were 3 other boys there before me. The worst part of it? I was the oldest out of all of them. And it dawned upon me that I’ve got to get used to being the oldest of the youngest in the future because there is going to be boys much younger that me; time and time again.

 So one of Dave’s young thing who is currently serving his 2 years of National Service in the Commando Unit; had more than he could drink and was completely wasted by 1am. I knew he was getting to his threshold by the increase volume of his voice and the added physical articulation of his actions. Dave, of course being the good host, kept refilling his glass and the poor boy kept drinking. Till it got to the point where he had to go puke in the spare bathroom; one he barely known for 2 weeks. I made sure he had Aspirin and lots of water and I chucked his martini glass in the sink.

 So when all this was happening, another one of Dave’s young boys, started making fun of the whole situation which I thought was completely uncalled for. He laughed at the other guy was widely exaggerating his reactions and how he locked himself in the bathroom for a good 30 mins. He also laughed at how the poor guy needed to purge it all out.

 So it was Dave, his two disgustingly young boys, me and Kris’ sexy Realtor. Given one was in the bathroom hugging the marble toilet bowl; it was just down to the 4 of us. We sat and drank and talked some more till it was time to call it a night. So the 3 of us shared a cab back and we were talking and laughing till we realised Dave’s young boy was sound asleep. The cab driver got to said young boy’s place where he immediately covered his mouth as if he was about to barf. And it turns out, he did. And since I was sitting beside him, he purged on my left hand and all over the cab door as I was trying to open the door for him. Great, just great. Just what I needed.  He then, left us with the mess, said goodbye and walked home. Without offering to clean up hid putrid remains or pay for his share of his cab fare.

 The poor cab driver had to offer his bottle of water for the night to wash off the vomit. I stood there, rinsing off some young boy’s vomit while Kris’ Realtor helped wiped it off his sheets and sheets of Kleenex that the cab driver provided. I called Dave after when it was all done to tell him what had happened. Then I got a text message from the boy who puked; apologising for what he had done. But it was still not enough. But whatever. I tipped the cab driver extra and told him to head to the nearest petrol station to get his cab washed.  

 So I got home, scrubbed my puked-on hand again and again. Sanitised it and washed it again. Oh man, I should just get used to this; there will always younger boys talking trash, drinking too much and inevitably puking their guts out. Such is growing up.

 But someone owes me dinner for cleaning his mess up. That’s the bare minimum. You know, after all, my rate’s not cheap.

Blah

Music: Aurora – Bjork

 I feel like I just got burnt by the sun and it’s completely weird. I haven’t been in the sun at all this week and the only thing I did yesterday that exposed me to any UV rays was to spend 15 minutes at the tanning salon. I don’t burn or turn lobster red so this is very strange. I did think that I might be coming down with a case of the hives because my back felt annoyingly itchy last night. It must be the torture of being in limbo coupled with the shitty dollar rate, the spiralling stock market and the fact that I can only fall asleep after 6am everyday. This needs to stop.

 I felt completely Blah today. I’ve got completely no motivation what so ever to do anything. I’ve been craving an In-N-Out burger this past 4 days and the only thing that comes close to it here is Carl’s Jr but it’s just out of the way from school and it’s too much hassle to travel and jostle for a fast food meal. But I really felt like a fast food meal tonight so I hit Burger King and it did satisfy my craving. I then headed to the supermarket to get a bottle of Honey Choya because it’s Friday and because it’s like my favourite thing to drink on the rocks. The lousy supermarket didn’t carry the honey one, neither did it carry the chips and various junk food I wanted. That was a bummer. But I did get a can of abalone and 2 packs of my favourite instant noodles; they go so well together. So it really wasn’t a wasted trip.

 I found this video and it’s pretty funny. Mother walks in on son masturbating. It’s vintage. I did think the kid made it pretty obvious that he was masturbating though; he could have just pretended he was scratching his growing pubes. You know after all, it’s what pubescent boys do.