Infatuated

Music: On Call – Kings Of Leon

 I was infatuated last night. I found this Barney’s exclusive John Varvatos Converse sneakers that had my name written all over it. I couldn’t stop staring at it. It’s painted, high top with studs at the side of the laces and the back linings. I had to have them and I do now. I just got back from Barney’s and I got myself a pair. I’ve always been a fan of John Varvatos’ collaboration with Converse and this pair is just the reason why. It’s so me.

  I also got myself a Balenciaga shirt. I was thrilled at finding that at Barney’s. It was one of the shirts that I thought weren’t in my size when I was at the store the other day but I guess, I was meant to have it. I love clothes that run small because of my size and Balenciaga’s clothes run small and all I need to do when I head back to Singapore is to take it to my tailor for a little bit of nip and tuck and it’ll look awesome.

 I finally found a pair of black jeans the other day. They are Jett Black in fact and I had a discount code so it was perfect. It’s a J Brand straight leg pair and I got it along with this narrow fit Helmut Lang shirt. Notice the detail on the cuff. It’s got an elastic band instead of buttons. And I like how it’s a tad more obvious in this Navy shade as opposed to it in white.

 I’ll be spending my birthday flying across the pacific. So thanks much guys for all the wishes!

Sometimes

Music: UR – Alanis Morissette

 I’m back in Seattle. Arrived sometime yesterday afternoon and did my usual; hit the news stand and got the latest issues of the couple of publications that I read regularly. Headed straight down to the office from the airport to say Hi and Goodbye to Aaron who’ll be heading down to San Diego for Christmas and New Year’s and to hand him the insulated Royce chocolates he so loves. And of course, to collect the 7 or so packages with my name on them.

 It was on the flight to Hong Kong that that I realised that the left side of my tonsils are still inflamed. I had thought I fully recovered but I was so wrong. It’s such a bitch to swallow anything now. Anything except semen but I won’t be giving any blowjobs till I’m completely healed. So much for Christmas, huh boyz?

 I am writing this in bed wishing that there’s a pint or so of ice cream left in the freezer. I have a serious craving for ice cream and I am kicking myself for not getting any when I was at Safeway yesterday.

 I woke up today thinking about ice cream and financial care. I had dawned upon me that I have been taking care of myself financially since I was 16. I am putting myself through college, I’m making sure my younger siblings have enough to complete their education, I pay all my bills as soon I get them. I had always been taking care of things since I can remember and today, I found myself wishing that someone else’s responsibility would remain theirs and not mine. That I can live and drive towards filled bowls that will remain mine; all mine to consume. That someone else, for a change, will be looking out for me and making sure and ensuring and bearing all that I have been saddling on my shoulders these years.

 Of course, I’m terribly grateful for all that I have and I have more that what most people my age and even some twice my age do. But I sometimes hope for the inkling of being able to just do it all for me. The semblance of being carried and fathered; just for a little while.

 I’m not even bothered about the current possibility of me having to serve my compulsory military service sometime next year. I have applied for further deferment and made my case and whatever the outcome may be, I somehow know that it will be for the advancement of my life plans. I’m grasping on the fact that that barely anything is in my control and I’m surrendering it all to a higher power. And now that I think about it, it would mean being able to move to LA a year quicker! Time will tell.  

 Somehow I know that the more I give, the more I’ll would get back. There is abundance up the road ahead and I am barely just beginning.

Realise

Music: Our Bovine Public – The Cribs

 I am down with a bout of Tonsilitis. I barely have a voice and sporadic temperature flushes have kept me awake the past 2 nights. I was puking my guts out on Friday morning when I realised that this is the sickest I have been in over a year. I’m so over it.

 Dave cooked a 3 course dinner for me on Thursday and he made sure my glass was never empty. I was sitting by the kitchen counter, with home-made martinis and nibbling on romaine lettuce bits; watching him prepare dinner. I really like that; I really dig it when a man creates something with his hands out of barely nothing. We were conversing when it became clear that he had all along assumed that I was single.

 We went up to the roof of his penthouse after dinner and Dave opened up the bottle of Greek Visanto Wine that I had brought over. It was just us and good wine and the cool December air. I told him that 2 months ago, on one of my many flights back to Singapore, I realised that if the plane were to crash; I would die happy. Happy because I have done whatever I wanted to do. I haven’t done everything I want to do nor achieve everything I want to but if my time was up, I would go happy.

 He misunderstood me and said, “Look, you’re saying this because you think you’ve been through a lot and know a lot but when you get to my age, you’ll realise your circle just became so much larger and there is so much you don’t know.”

 ”I completely understand that. But that wasn’t what I was trying to imply. I was merely sharing with you that if I were to be on a faulty plane, I would go a happy person because I would be the one person able to sit back admist all the chaos and smile knowing that if I go, I would have lived my life the way I wanted to. At least I went knowing that.” I responded immediately.

 ”Ahh, I get it, I get what you’re trying to say now.” He apologised.

 I hate it when men do that. It’s like they think I’m completely oblivious to the fact that I don’t know everything and that I am barely just beginning. And they feel they somehow need to ‘impart’ their life lessons to me. It’s like lesson number 1: Fucking listen. Dave had previously, over the course of our dinner conversation, jumped to 2 other conclusions about me because he simply didn’t take the time to digest what I was saying. But I’m just not motivated enough to retell it all again here.

 But the night was good. Dave’s good company and we get along well. I’ll see him around.

 Just got back from drinks with Mark. We spent more than 3 hours catching up. From him catching Tori Amos live in Brisbane, to his new place, to my new place, to his travels, to my travels, to his 2008 plans, to his intention to move to Holland in 2009 etc.

 I finally made peace with him and he said it’s all in the past. He once said he could never hate me and he reminded me of it again tonight.

 ”It’s never been hate, Nick, it’s more fustrated and disappointed and hopeful and grateful and confused with you.” He continued.

 I told him I was not going to apologise anymore because it wouldn’t change a thing and it wouldn’t justify what I did to him but he said it’s behind him and so like that, it’s behind me as well.

 But we had a blast and it was just like old times. He said that he had always thought he would bump into me one day and we would talk and catch up and be good again. I told him it was funny because I sometimes think about that too. But we never did bump into one another.

 He kissed me goodbye and gave me a hug and said it was really good to see me as he opened the cab door for me. I told I would see him soon. And just like that, I realised, we were back to being friends. 

To Be Able To

Music: Blitzkrieg Pop – The Ramones

 I spoke to Mark yesterday. He filled me in on the places he’s been and the events that have taken placed in the last 1.5 years that have changed the way he view his temporary home state. He referred to the proverbial chunk of time we were together as the ‘period of time spent with you’. He said my phone-call was a surprise and I told him it’s about time that I gave him a call. We’re having drinks on Friday night; it’s high time I apologised and made amends.

 Dave texted me last night and asked what time I was coming over because dinner was almost ready. He’s someone who’s been trying to get into my pants since the day we were introduced. I knew it was a ruse so I called him and I was right. He had clean forgotten (so he claims) about him inviting me for dinner and I had made other plans because I knew it wasn’t going to happen. We rescheduled for tomorrow.

 I have almost given up on looking for the next pair of shoes to gift myself. I looked everywhere today. Dolce & Gabanna again, Gucci, Prada, Emporio Armani, Calvin Klein. Zilch. But I did find a really cool patent grey belt at Calvin Klein which I bought after they adjusted the length.

These few days of insomnia have totally taken their toll. I have no idea why I can’t sleep. I’m breaking out and I’ve got a bitch of a sore throat and a bit of a temperature. These only happen when I don’t get enough sleep. Maybe I’ll go see a shrink or a sleep therapist. I need some good pills.

 I just want to be able to sleep. Is there too much that I’m asking for?

How Not To

Music: Fuck And Run – Liz Phair

 I’m going to write Friday night’s episode as a lesson on how not to shoot myself in the foot and how not to ask for it. I lost my watch; one that was given to me as a gift. Only because I asked for it. You get choices in life and if you pick one, you have to stand by it. Even if it’s the wrong one and you’re left wondering why the fuck you did so the afternoon after. Write it off as something I lost when I torched my own roof. So be it.

 I met a Mark-double Friday night. He was sitting on the steps outside dialing for a cab. Linda was trying to get one as well to take us to the club so I sat beside him while she did that. He reminded me so much of Mark that I had to stop and catch a breath. I asked if he was working for the British Council and he said he was a Scientist. I told him I majored in BioMedical Science and he expressed doubts.

 He said, “So you’re an Asian with really white teeth, chewing gum and majoring in BioMedical Science?”

 ”Yeah, do you want proof?” I answered, while trying to capture his face.

 ”I thought gum was illegal here. How did you get yours? And do you have some with you?” He moved on; clearly displaying signs that he was FOTP (Fresh Off The Plane).

 I told him I didn’t bring any with me. But I offered him some Altoids instead.

 His cab arrived 10 seconds later and he hopped on; only to lean out; door wide open, looked at me and looked at Linda and said something along the lines of, “Take good care of him would you? He’s a special bunch of trouble. That he is!”

 I could have jumped into his cab and wrangled something more out of him but I didn’t. I just stood there, and watched his cab drive off.

 I thought about Mark and how I should give him a call. But I don’t know how I’m going to construct my words into sentences that makes sense or warrant my calling him up. And if he even wants to speak to me. There is no room to justify the bastard I was to him and I wish there was a way I could make things right. Some way I could learn how not to bite the hands that used to love me.

 Some way to learn how not to die emotionally alone.

 I tried to track down the pair of Lanvin Patent Derby shoes today but was told that the store here wouldn’t be bringing it in. So I popped into the Calvin Klein store and got a shirt. I also got a tailor reconmmendation from one of the chicks working there. I took my new purchase in and it would be ready tomorrow. Talk about being efficient. If this tailor works out well, I would be pleased. I have a bunch of new shirts all waiting for him to start working on. I also bought a pretty cool cashmere cardigan at Helmut Lang on Friday.

 I’m going to start wrapping Christmas presents. It is, after all, better to give than to receive.

Continuation

Music: Wasted Little DJ’s – The View

 Picking up from where I left off the other day, I continued the search for go-fuck-yourself shoes.

 This pair of Dolce & Gabanna Mirrored Leather Wingtip Oxfords is available for pre-orders. Calfskin and double stitched throughout, this pair with its mirrored finish screamed ‘Look at me!’. Usually, this would fall into the category of the exact type of shoes that I would lust over but this pair just screams a little too loudly for my liking.

 This pair of Salvatore Ferragamo Notte Slip-On caught my eye by surprise. I’ve never paid much attention to Ferragamo’s line of shoes but there were a couple from their Studio Collection that were sleek and demanded a second, closer look. Especially this pair; Black patent leather with grosgrain strap across front vamp. I dig how the extra detail enhances the overall look of the shoes. My only suggestion: A sharper, pointed tip would add another level of desire.

 I’ve been hanging out on Facebook via my Ipod Touch and I am thrilled at what this nifty little gadget can do. I didn’t have much time to explore the other features of the Touch when I first got it a month or so ago. But I will be surfing and virtual shopping with it everywhere I go from today. I tried blogging with it but I could only fill out the Title and Tag line and not the post line. Hmm. It would have been perfect otherwise.

 My PC’s falling apart and it’s about time for a new one. In fact, it’s about time for a new everything. So c’mon 2008!

Love In The Form Of

Music: I Predict A Riot – Kaiser Chiefs

 There is the love you feel when chicken soup is cooked especially for you when you’re under the weather, the love you receive from your lover from the cheque with multiple zeros that he wrote out to you and slide under your pillow before jetting off to Milan, the love you create by stroking yourself and reaching climax. Then there is the love that makes you want and smile and excited that comes in the form of a pair of well-crafted shoes.

If it isn’t obvious by now, I have a thing for shoes. Beautiful, sharp, go-fuck-yourself shoes. So it’s only apt that my Christmas gift to myself would be a pair of drool worthy footwear. I’ve been searching for the perfect pair to present myself for about a week or so now and I only made actual progress yesterday.

 I started at Barneys.com and soon found myself thrilled by this pair of Lanvin Patent Derby. Laser cut with a black sheen; I knew this could just be it. And it was on sale too! But alas, there weren’t none left in my size. I stared and analysed it for a couple of minutes and called it a night.

 

 I came home from the club tonight and started the hunt again. This time, I hit the jackpot but not without a few misses.

 This pair of Dolce & Gabanna Metallic Fabric Oxford Shoes were just what I wanted. It was sharp, metallic and would warrant attention when worn to town. I like patent, sheen and dark colours. And this pair checked every box. But like the Lanvin pair, it was out of my size.

 I found another pair of pointed-toes Dolce & Gabanna’s. I added it to my list and removed it on second thought because it was simply too plain and a tad dull. But I did dig the sharpness of it.

 Then came the next two items in my cart and I spent 20 minutes self debating about whether to simple just purchase them because they were both exquisite. This pair of Dolce & Gabanna Black Python Loafers made me stop in my virtual tracks. It was stylish and put together and exotic. The thing was, I wasn’t so sure that it was very me and it did look like it would add 10 years to my profile. It was tough but I decided to look for something that didn’t make me think twice. 

 I was beaming when I found this pair of Prada Black Perforated Leather Dress Loafers. This was the one I would be whipping out my credit card for. It was sleek and dressy and sophisticated. It also looked like a classic and would look stylish dressed up or down. So Merry Christmas to me!

 I’m on the fence for this pair of Dolce & Gabanna Black Stamped Leather Oxfords. They have my size in stock and I like the woven illusion detail and the lace up design. It would be an immediate purchase if the tip had been a little sharper. So I’m still sitting on this one.

Now the hunt starts again for my Birthday present….